How to help motivate a teenager
Last week I discussed the unmotivated child and how common the problem is at various ages. Especially during adolescence, the child experiences more failure and that can gradually lead to choices that remove the adolescent from the negative situation – at least it seems that way to the adolescent. The high dropout rate in Texas schools is a symptom of this problem.
How do we begin to change the situation? The first step is to begin to listen, to become involved in the communication process with the child and to move away from the all-too-frequent pattern of communication where the parent either asks questions and gets little or no response, or makes demands with equally poor results.
How many parents take the time to find out what is going on in their child’s world, in the contemporary milieu of adolescence? All too frequently I hear parents say, “I simply can’t understand they could feel that way.” Or, “Nobody in their right mind would want to do what they are doing.”
If it’s too painful to watch your own child grow up, then perhaps you can learn from observing someone else’s child. Volunteer for school activities and observe a class other than the one your child attends. Help teach children, in Sunday school classes or some athletic activity. Become involved in the world of the adolescent. Keep your mind open to the experiences and feelings they are having.
Then, when you feel more comfortable, perhaps you can sit down with your own teenager and tell him you understand him better, that you are willing to try to understand more about his world. Certainly you should tell him when you don’t understand.
After you have begun to learn to communicate more effectively, you can begin to develop the framework for increasing motivation and helping your child begin to achieve more of his potential.
Desirable behavior can be increased gradually by finding something that approaches the desired change and rewarding this change with warm approval and demonstrations of acceptance. Don’t be surprised if you get little response at first. Keep trying, be consistent and let your adolescent know that you care and want to be helpful. Don’t try to take over and do things for him. Instead, offer to be part of the team, let him know you would like to help and be involved in his world.
Help your child learn to set goals – realistic ones, and then let him know you want to help him achieve these goals. Help him understand the difference between short-term and long-term goals and teach him to evaluate his progress. Incentives certainly can be provided when some of these goals are reached, but be careful not to make them all material incentives. Approval, love and positive attention are the strongest rewards in the world. Money, use of the car, increased time spent with friends, etc., all can be considered for use as additional motivators.
Most important, remember that these changes will not occur overnight. They take time and a lot of effort, but the results are worth it.
Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989
