Parents should plan for future with children gone

Mary has just returned from the bus station. Her third and youngest child waved goodbye as she headed for college. Mary feels an overwhelming sense of depression and loss.

Although she realized it was in her child’s best interest to leave home, and was the normal thing to do, Mary wondered what to do with her time. She had dreaded this day for years.

Mary had prepared herself mentally for the “empty nest” syndrome, but had not prepared herself for the reality of the transition.

She had devoted her whole life to her children, was a model mother, and truly enjoyed the challenge of rearing children in today’s complex society. She had been a room mother more times than she could count. Her involvement with the Cub Scouts and Brownies had won her the “mother of the Year” award in her hometown. Having been raised by a working mother and father who had little time to invest in children’s school and social activities, she had vowed “never to let that happen” when she had children. And she didn’t.

Mary’s mistake was that she excluded all personal interests and activities from her life. With the empty nest, she had no resources to fall back on, no reinforcements to put into play.

Studies have shown that this problem frequently occurs with close, happy famiies. Fortunately for Mary, friends who had been through the same experience came to her aid. They talked to her about making a healthy adjustment and about making time for a new life. Mary’s new life became full and productive when she utilized the time she thought would be empty time.

To avoid, or at least to soften the blow, when the empty nest day arrives, there are several things parents can do.

Keep the new phase of life in the proper perspective. Most parents want their children to establish their own life. As they walk away, be proud that they can walk alone.
Look forward to the freedom in this period. Plan to travel more frequently; plan to pursue activities which were held back for years; be a volunteer; grab the opportunity to take a course at a college; return to the work force and resume or begin a career.
Plan to spend more time with your spouse. As one friend of mine said, “We had a great time together before the children came, no we’re going to pick up where we left off 20 years ago.” It can be a second honeymoon.
Begin planning before the day comes. If you are a single parent, put some new interest or study into operation before you are completely alone. The transition will be less traumatic.
Espect some feelings of loss or even some depression. Although the passage of time is a healer in itself, share your feelings, as Mary did, with someone who has been through the process.
Look to the future. This phase too will pass. Share in the child’s new career; think about grandchildren and future family gatherings.
Be philosophical. Even be little humorous. Enjoy the rest, the peace and the quiet. These are lots of advantages to the new lifestyle of an empty nest.

You deserve each and every one of them.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1985