Past complicates desire to live happily

A reader asks the following question:

Can you help me with my problem?

I was emotionally abused and neglected as a child and adolescent. My parents divorced when I was an infant. My mother, who raised me, openly resented the time and money she spent on me (neither of which she ever seemed to have enough of).

My sister, who is three years younger than I am, seems to have somehow escaped the scars that I feel. She seems to have accepted the past and gotten on with her life.

I, on the other hand, suffer from a great deal of unresolved rage and unrelieved depression.

I have been to several therapists but can’t seem to get past feeling that I was cheated and somehow need to change the past.

I know this is both impossible and unhealthy, but I am stuck at this point.

Can you give me your thoughts on this matter?

My reply was:

As you say, you can’t change the past. Ruminating about how your mother treated you in the past is counterproductive. Perhaps stepping back and looking at this situation from a different perspective will help.

Your need for love and affection as a child and into adolescence is both understandable and normal. We all need these essential ingredients, just as we need proper nutrition, exercise, clean air to breathe, etc.

In my opinion, some children are “wire” so the lack of demonstrable love and affection has a far more deleterious effect on them than in other children, perhaps like your sister.

However, she may be experiencing more post-traumatic pain than she is able or chooses to express. You must resist the temptation to compare your response to your past with that of your sister.

Now to address the central issue of this problem.

From the brief description you gave of your mother, I would venture an educated guess that she was the product of an unhappy and emotionally unhealthy childhood.

Her parenting skills and ability to relate to others may have been adversely affected by her own unhealthy past. Put another way, she couldn’t give what she didn’t have.

Your mother most likely has no insight (understanding) and/or motivation to act differently.

You, on the other hand, can choose to break this cycle and make understanding, acceptance, and love the cornerstones of your relationships.

This decision is yours and yours alone. Hopefully, this choice to change will soon become stronger than your desire to hold on the past.

Perhaps embracing a feeling of compassion for your mother’s “handicap” will help you put the past behind you and allow you to move on to the future. Her tragedies need not be your inheritance.

Good luck and good health.

Copyright c 1995 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.