How to tell when someone is too dependent

A reader in St. Louis poses the following question.

"My wife and I have been married for five years and I feel we have a problem that needs professional attention. The difficulty centers around her attachment to her parents. She wants them involved in our life to the point that I feel like I married three people, her and them. She feels she has to ask their opinion on everything we do, which includes finances, the disciplining of our kids, and the friends we make. I don't dislike my in-laws, but would sure like some space and the freedom to live our lives without so much outside influence. When I express my concerns, my wife gets very defensive, tears up, and won't speak to me for a day or two. I'm beginning to feel some resentment which seems to be getting worse. We can't afford counseling, but do need help."

Let me respond by first stating that most communities have counseling services available on a sliding scale fee. An objective, outside opinion can provide a forum for discussion of your feelings. Thereafter, the goal of mutual understanding and improved communication can move you toward a healthier marriage.

Many factors could be contributing to your problem:

• Is there a struggle for control in this situation? Sometimes, if one partner has not been particularly close to his or her own parents, they will feel resentment toward their spouse and the closeness and bond shared with their parents. Healthy boundaries and limits can be agreed upon and set, thus allowing for closeness with autonomy.

• Perhaps there is a dependency problem that needs to be addressed. An irrational and magnified sense of connectedness can produce serious problems which need attention. Individuals suffering from feelings of inadequacy in their ability to make decisions often feel the need to fall back on parents for advice. This pattern can be detrimental, possibly detracting from the couple's reliance on each other. These same individuals may also confuse the need to please their parents with the need to make their own decisions, for better or worse.

• There are many other possible reasons for the difficult situation you present here. Perhaps your wife lacks an awareness of how serious your feelings are becoming. Perhaps her parents need to be advised of the problem. Confused unexpressed thoughts can cause more harm than those brought out in the open. It's important to distinguish what you can and cannot control. A good frank discussion with your spouse may be your best choice. Perhaps a combination of the above mentioned explanations is the basis for your difficulties.

Parents of adult children can give their offspring a wonderful and healthy gift by making their advice and opinions available only when solicited, and with the understanding that this input can be accepted or not, without consequence or fear of later "I told you so's."

Copyright c 1996 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.