How to handle criticism without being defensive

"I am told that I wear my feelings on my sleeve and let people get under my skin too easily. I will admit to being very sensitive and hate to be told that I am wrong. This does make it difficult for me to handle criticism at times and I would appreciate some tips on knowing how to accept the difference between well-intended advice and unfair blows to my ego. My relationships with my family, friends, and boss are all being affected by this difficulty."
---A reader from Virginia

How we handle less than positive input from others is often closely related to how we view ourselves. A person with a poor self-concept is likely to view suggestions as criticism, often becoming very defensive in the process. Perhaps we should view this question in terms of both how to give advice and how to take it.

When giving advice or critiquing another person's performance, it is helpful to:

• Focus on the problem, not the person.

• Be direct, not evasive.

• Avoid accusations or hearsay.

• Be specific, state facts.

• Remember, when possible, that people respond more positively and learn more effectively if they are told what they are doing right, instead of what they are doing wrong.

• A critique of one's performance is easier to accept if the receiver feels secure in their relationship with the sender. Beginning with statements that recognize the value of the person's behavior being critiqued is useful. Special efforts may be needed with particularly sensitive individuals. Remember, tact and diplomacy makes the road much smoother.

• Avoiding necessary critical feedback can cause future difficulty. Addressing problems, difficulties, and needed change in a forthright and direct manner can help prevent misunderstandings and breakdowns in communication. Strive for honesty, sincerity, and clarity. Avoid ambiguity, partial explanations, and indecisiveness.

• When on the receiving end of a critique, remember that being able to accept constructive criticism is a way of growing and maturing. At times, communication and behavior patterns can be annoying, distracting, and very unproductive, requiring adjustments and modifications that come as a result of feedback. Requesting specific details of performance deficits on the job can lead to improvement. Requesting desired goals and performance standards can help meet the employer's expectations. The best response to any critical statement is:

• To actively listen with clear and focused attention.

• To ask yourself, "How can I use this information to improve?"

• To depersonalize and strive for objective recognition of critical feedback.

• Personal attacks can be dealt with by notifying proper individuals in the chain of command within the organization.

If difficulties persist in either giving or receiving performance evaluations or other forms of feedback, consider seeking assistance through materials designed to improve communication skills or professional consultation with someone trained in communication skills.

Copyright c 1996 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.