Handling a person whose speech intimidates

Recently I was engaged in a conversation with friends who were bemoaning an acquaintance that always seemed to try to intimidate them by controlling the conversation. They admitted that it was hard to get a chance to express their views.

"When the subject gets on to politics--and that's a hot topic at the time--I weasel out. I can't get involved because he is just too radical."

"I usually am determined to speak up and say what I think, but I end up getting very angry and raising my voice. That only makes him worse. I have had some pretty serious disagreements with him, but he always resumes conversations with me the next time we meet as if nothing has happened. He doesn't seem to get angry. I do."

What my friends were wondering was if there was any way possible to have a quiet discussion with him or better still to find a way to say what they think to really express their opinions without resorting to argumentative ways.

Getting to say what you mean to someone who would like to control you is a communication skill that can be learned by anyone. And if it is a person you must associate with, it is a valuable skill to have.

• First of all, you have to be a good listener. Really listen and not be mentally preparing your retort or reply.

• Listen long enough to really understand this person's point of view.

• Literally let this person wind down and let off plenty of steam.

• Try to find something, no matter how small or insignificant, to agree with.

• As the one-sided conversation slows down, insert a statement of agreement on that one point.

• That usually causes a change of body language. You can visibly see the person relax a little and the hostility seems to diminish a little.

• Then if you were really listening you should have a chance to say what you think and state it in a non-hostile way. Be assertive without being aggressive. You deserve to be heard and to express your opinion. You may or may not get an agreement from him. But you will have opened the door to future exchanges. As your skill improves, he may become your listener.

Remember, when you really listen, you do so with your whole body. No fidgeting, no yawning, no looking over your shoulder or looking across the room. Give the individual your whole attention. They may crave attention and if you can provide it, you may break the barrier and get the chance to say what you really mean.

Copyright c 1996 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.