Forgiveness can be present to oneself

Are you searching for a gift for a special person which will express your feelings? Let's suppose this person is someone you are not particularly fond of. Suppose that if you are honest about your motive in this gift giving it will be because you need to mend fences. Truth is you have been harboring a grudge and now you don't know what to give. Should it be something expensive or not? Either way, your gift could be misinterpreted and make matters worse.

Let me suggest a special gift, one that doesn't have a monetary value and one that you may not have thought of. The gift of forgiveness. It can arouse different emotions and feelings in both the forgiver and the forgiven. Feelings of anger and bitterness may intensify, or it may result in a feeling of losing the battle. For some, admitting they are wrong is so hard they would rather die than forgive.

• Forgiveness is not forgetting.

• Forgiveness is not denying that past pain or injury were incurred.

• Forgiveness is a conscious decision to begin again. To rebuild a relationship in spite of the pain and injury. It is remembering but still forgiving.

Mental health professionals have long known that harboring grudges and feelings of unforgiveness is potentially harmful. Anger and bitterness correlates with the over-production of stress hormones within the body. When anger is maintained and suppressed over time, the immune system depresses and doesn't function effectively. Depressed immune systems can increase susceptibility to viruses, autoimmune diseases such as rheumatoid arthritis and lupus, and may even make individuals more susceptible to other diseases such as cancer.

Keeping these unhealthy feelings inside drains the individual of psychological energy necessary for creativity and optimism. These negative feelings can lead to obsessive and ruminative thinking with hatred, resentment, bitterness, and thoughts of vindication becoming present in the individual's thinking pattern.

Forgiveness necessitates changing our perspective and looking beyond events that offend us. It becomes a matter of stepping back far enough to see more objectively the complexities that lead individuals to unwanted acts or deeds. Here are some examples:

• The individual possessing an under-valued ego often feels insecure or they may feel overly aggressive which leads them to communicate and behave in unhealthy ways.

• The victim of trauma often develops problems in trusting.

• Impairment due to alcohol or drugs gives rise to distorted perceptions of reality and poor judgment.

• A depressed or anxious individual often displays self-absorption and lack of empathy.

An awareness of these and other difficulties can make de-personalizing not only possible, but appropriate. With this much broader perspective, forgiveness becomes much easier.

I wish a Merry Christmas to all of the readers of this column and wish to thank you for the wonderful feedback you have given me this past year.

Copyright c 1996 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.