We all know people who seem to enjoy being the bearer of negative tales.
It happens in every daily situation – in the workplace, home, school, on the golf course – by people who turn a happy conversation into an unpleasant one by repeating an unfortunate incident that has happened to someone you know.
Some people make themselves feel important by spreading the negative.
If John has been reprimanded by his superior, Dick can’t wait to tell the entire team.
If Suzy is having marital difficulties, Betty tells it one by one to the other members of the bridge club.
If Bob and Jane learn their son is using drugs, their best friend feels he must share this disclosure with their other friends.
Sometimes these bearers of tales act irresponsibly because they don’t think. They don’t process the information they have received and decide what they should do with it.
Usually, they act on impulse. It makes them feel important to be the first to hear the news and so they rush to tell someone and tell it quickly.
They may feel they can gain importance in their group by spreading the information, to be the first to be “in the know.”
The information they have obtained may make them feel superior and may make the subjects look a little inferior.
These bearers of negative information want to increase their power. They may consciously or unconsciously want to enhance their sense of self-worth by tearing down the position of others. In so doing, they forget how the qualities of respect and trust fit in their relationship with the people they are discussing.
Bearers of negative information may seek the confidence and trust of someone by giving that person the negative information first, believing it will establish a stronger relationship. It is their way of drawing attention to themselves, of hoping that others will recognize them.
How can we help people who delight in spreading the bad information?
Stop listening. Bearers of information cannot continue unless they have a listener. They can’t function if the communication is not received by someone else.
Look bearers of bad news in the eye and ask if the information they are disseminating will help or hurt the person being discussed. Encourage bearers to find a way to use the information in a way that will help.
Help bearers of negative information to see more constructive ways to meet their need for power and aggression. Help these people assert themselves in ways to get the attention and self-confidence they apparently need in order to feel good about themselves.
Talk about the hurt that may result from careless use of information. Talk about the need for getting the absolute facts, the story from both sides and the positive results of keeping trust, being loyal and enhancing our own self-worth by not destroying that of our friends.
Copyright 1991 c Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.
