‘Tis season for perfectionists to ease up

Dear Dr. LeCrone: I have a problem that may require professional assistance and would like your opinion.

I am a 38-year-old wife and mother of three children living in a medium-size Midwestern city. My husband and I both work and our combined incomes provide adequately for our needs. Our children are well-adjusted, our health is good and life is good for us most of the time.

My problem is that during the holiday season I have a significant amount of anxiety and, I think, depression. Over the years I have grown to dread the holiday season. I can’t wait for Jan. 2. I feel guilty about this because the rest of the family looks forward to and enjoys this time of year.

I have tried to figure out why I am so unhappy during this time of year, but I am unable to relate it to any past unpleasantness during my childhood. My husband says the reason I dread the holidays is because I’m trying to achieve a “Normal Rockwell Thanksgiving” and a “Bing Crosby Christmas.” I admit to being a perfectionist in many areas of my life, especially when it comes to making other people happy.

There is probably a connection here, and I wonder if you could comment on this topic – Bah Humbug in Ohio

Dear Bah Humbug: You may be experiencing a problem that I call seasonal stress syndrome. The holiday season is fertile ground for unrealistic expectations that often lead to disappointment and psychological distress. Individuals striving for a perfect holiday season often drive themselves to the point of exhaustion and unhappiness.

They push themselves to find the perfect present for everyone.
They diligently pursue peace and harmony at all family gatherings.
They expect feelings of good will toward everyone.
They believe that their children must retain perfect memories of past holidays.

When they can’t control all of these variables in a satisfactory fashion, feelings of frustration often mount and tension builds.

In order to have a healthy perspective during this time of year and reduce the risk of seasonal stress syndrome, perfectionists may want to re-examine their priorities and reframe their thinking.

Many of the hassles at this time of year are a result of excessive demands on the perfectionist’s time and money. With realistic limits and boundaries set prior to the beginning of the holiday season, these demands can be reduced.

And remember that relationships and feelings between family members may change some as individuals age and their own priorities shift. Expecting everyone to be happy, congenial and enthusiastic about being together may be impossible at times. Try to accept the changes that occur and don’t try to carry tradition too far.

I hope this information is useful to all of those readers who may have a tendency to experience this stress syndrome.

Copyright c 1998 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.