Are you sending mixed signals?

Communicating with a member of the opposite sex comes naturally for most people. There are those, however, who have developed styles of communication that can lead to problems, and I would like to discuss one of these potential problem areas today.

First, it is important to recognize that communication usually involves more than one pattern or element – hence the expressions, non-verbal and verbal communication. Second, it is important to recognize that we may be communicating by sending messages at a conscious level while at the same time sending other messages at a level below conscious thought.

Most of us have known a member of the opposite sex who sends out messages, both verbal and non-verbal, of a flirtatious nature. On television there are many examples of verbal and non-verbal behavior that express flirtation. It is not difficult to witness situations that seem downright seductive, leaving little doubt as to the intent of the man or woman acting out a particular role. We are aware that flirtatious behavior can be quite subtle and open to interpretation – or the behavior can seem more obvious.

Most people strive for a warm, outgoing style of communication, but some become too self-conscious, making them appear as always on guard and standoffish. This can interfere with their attempt to be friendly, warm and expressive.

At this point let me say that the whole topic of flirtation is complicated, and I don’t pretend to over-simplify it. If, however, you receive feedback from different sources, such as friends or relatives, that your style is often misinterpreted and is leading to undesirable consequences, then you should pay attention to elements of the way you communicate.

How do we send a message of care, concern, warmth and friendliness without being misinterpreted as being flirtatious or seductive? If you comment on an individual’s appearance and tell that person he or she is attractive, then usually it is an honest attempt at a compliment, one that makes most people feel good. Sometimes, though, the behavior pattern leads to interpretations that cause a member of the opposite sex to assume the sender means more than friendship and warmth.

A flirt is someone who makes amorous advances without serious intentions. Adolescents often experiment with developing alluring qualities. Flirting is part of the game with them, and many do so with apparently innocent qualities. However, the mating behavior of most animals as they attempt to attract the opposite sex leaves no doubt about their intent.

The important thing is to be sure you are conveying the message you want and that you aren’t sending mixed messages. Adults need to keep the boundaries of flirtatious intent at a level of awareness and under control. And they have the responsibility of teaching young people to understand these boundaries and patterns of communication so that when they become adults they will know what sort of response they are likely to elicit in the opposite sex.

Unfortunately, many young people have no role models for this behavior. As they grow into adults they need to examine and understand the communication of flirtation so they can avoid misunderstanding and misinterpretation of both verbal and non-verbal language.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989