Practice won’t always make perfect

Do you want your child to be perfect? Are you pleased when he refuses to accept anything less than perfection in his performance? Do you even promote sibling rivalry by saying or inferring that another child can do better?

While being the best at a chosen skill or at acquiring a certain level of knowledge is the ideal, trying to be the best at everything can promote undue stress.

Through research and children’s studies, experts are finding that stress reduction can and should begin in childhood. Children need to be taught that they can’t be perfect in everything; sometimes they can’t be perfect in anything. But they can lead happy, useful lives because each child is unique. Parents can help their children develop by laughing at their own mistakes, by admitting them and by saying in the presence of the child, “Well, that is something I will never master completely.”

Children model themselves after their parents and other significant people to the degree that if they think they have to do it perfectly, they may refuse to try new things for fear of failure. Sometimes the stress comes from thinking the parent won’t love them if they don’t do something perfectly.

Some of the ways parents can help reduce stress and prevent a perfectionistic tendency are:

• Help a child set realistic goals. If you think your daughter is going to be 5-foot-10, then perhaps setting a goal for her with the Royal Ballet is unrealistic. Instead, let her have dance lessons of all kinds, encouraging her to enjoy dance as a way to develop grace and good physical development. If your son is growing to become the size of a professional football linebacker, then encouraging his dreams of becoming a jockey probably isn’t realistic. Big men can enjoy horseback riding without aspiring to be jockeys. Expose a child to a wide variety of activities. Let him try skating, gymnastics, music lessons on several instruments, tennis, golf, soccer and other games. Let him see the benefits of teamwork and realize that every team member makes a contribution.

• Encourage children to try challenging courses in school. Do not let him take a course just because he knows he can make an A in that subject. Exposure to new knowledge will open many doors.

• As far as schoolwork is concerned, seek the help of the school’s support services – the diagnosticians, counselors, nurses and social workers who can, as a team, help you realize your child’s potential and his strengths and weaknesses. Then capitalize on his strengths and build his self-esteem early in life. If he has been making low grades and his school profile indicates he is capable of doing better, spend some time with him and offer praise and understanding.

How can you surmise that your child might be under stress and leaning toward perfectionism? Look for these signs:

A child is unduly alarmed because he didn’t make the highest score on a test.
A child decides not to perform or not to try a new task because he fears failure.
A child shows that he thinks everyone else is perfect he may become jealous.
A child is overly concerned with appearance and worries that his or her clothing, hairstyle, cosmetics, etc., isn’t perfect at all times.
A child cannot enjoy any measure of success without wishing to top his own record.

The desire for perfection in all things causes undue stress. Stress reduction should be taught early in life as children can be happiest being themselves. Perfection isn’t necessary.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989