Back on the Dating Scene

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

After being married for over 20 years, my spouse divorced me two years ago and I find myself overwhelmed with adjusting to being single again. My ex- husband was very manipulative and abusive, and I made myself a doormat. I realize that the fear of change is one of the reasons that I stayed in the relationship. I can’t seem to let go of the past hurt and pain that occurred, and I fear that if I remarry I will make the same mistake again. Can you make some suggestions relating to my situation?

Dear reader:

My first suggestion is not only for you but also for anyone who has gone through the sort of trauma or change you describe.

Feelings and emotions regarding these changes need to be processed, worked though and moved into a perspective which disallows old emotional baggage from interfering with future relationships. This is often a very tall order and, in many cases, not easily accomplished. Time, effort, and often professional assistance are needed in making a healthy transition. Many individuals have difficulty in ceasing the self-absorption and preoccupation with the pain, injustice and details dealing with events from the past. As difficult as it may be, the individual wanting to start over needs to be able to come to the point where he or she can ask themselves “what can I learn from the past that will help me in the future?” Support networks such as singles groups, divorce support groups, and trauma survivor groups can also assist individuals in dealing with change and moving towards a healthy future.

As one lets go of the past, fear of the future often begins to diminish. Starting over gives you the opportunity to deal with vulnerabilities that caused problems in the past. Set standards in new relationships that allow you to maintain your integrity and self respect. If you have been a doormat in the past, learn communication skills that promote assertiveness and mutual respect. Define expectations and set boundaries that clarify roles in the new relationship. If you were drawn to abusive and manipulative men in the past, seek help in understanding why this occurred and resolve to avoid these kinds of relationships in the future.

Starting over can be filled with change and challenges that are opportunities for growth. Look forward to the future and the chance to take a new direction.

Copyright © 2005 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.