Cautionary words for parents of only children

A reader recently posed the following question:

“Dear Dr. LeCrone:

My wife and I have decided, for several reasons, to have only one child. We have several family members and friends who are discouraging us from doing this because they think that an only child has too many struggles in life as an adult as a result of not having brothers and sisters while growing up. Some of these same individuals have stated that the only child is bound to be spoiled and overly self centered because of too much attention form the parents. Do you have any suggestions that might help us in raising an only child in a healthy fashion?”

Dear Reader:

Because many couples opt to have smaller families, I am often asked about the psychological considerations of having only one child.

For those of us raised with brother and sisters many fond memories of family life exist. Without brothers and sisters, some experiences in the family just can not be duplicated.

Also, some only children, especially younger ones, express feelings of loneliness in their childhood and wish for a brother or sister to share family life. On the other hand, the only child may have opportunities, often because of economic considerations, that would not exist if siblings were involved.

Following are some considerations and suggestions for those raising only children:

• Parents of an only child should be careful not to become too overprotective and smother him. Otherwise, parents risk creating insecurity and uncertainty in the child by not letting him explore the world around him and thereby learn independence and self-directedness. Parents need to remember we all learn by making some mistakes. Sometimes parents of an only child become so engrossed in the child’s life that they build up resentments within him that remain throughout his life. The only child, can in fact, become overly dependent and unable to make decisions.

• Parents of an only child sometimes place all their hopes, dreams and aspirations on the one child. As on parent put it, “We put all our eggs in one basket.” Parents of several children may have one good athlete, one good student, one child with a good sense of humor. But the parent of the only child may expect him to be the best in everything and demand too much. Parents must be careful about unrealistic and unreasonable expectations or the pressure can be stressful and psychologically harmful.

There are some real pluses, however, for the only child. Only children frequently are high achievers and very successful people in adult life because of high expectation and additional attention and positive experience with their parents.

Being an only child can be a rewarding and a healthy experience, as has been attested to by many successful adults. Each child should be considered on the basis of an individual in need of love, attention and guidance.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2002