Children must develop conscience

Once upon a time in a land far, far away there lived a man who was very unhappy. This man, we’ll call Bobby, had few friends. Most of life’s enjoyments came from doing and obtaining things at the expense of other people.

Bobby rarely considered whether his actions would result in unhappiness for these people; instead he was led by self-indulgent motivations which gave him temporary gratification and frequently landed him in trouble.

As a child, the messages Bobby received in observing his parents included demonstration of:

If it feels good, do it.
Live for today, worry about tomorrow later.
Laws were made to be broken.
Rules are made for those who aren’t smart enough to figure out their own game plan.
If you want it, take it.

Manipulation, deceit, self-centeredness and disregard for others were among the characteristics Bobby acquired in his early years. Guilt was noticeably absent from Bobby’s repertoire of feelings. He rarely thought about how his actions would affect others. Limits set by his parents were few; even these were rarely explained and often were not thought through before they were thrust upon him. When he was told to clean his room, eat certain healthy foods or show respect for others, he quickly learned to get around doing the “right” thing and instead did what made him feel “good” or got what he wanted.

In short, Bobby never developed a conscience.

His pattern of behavior led him to a view of the world where lying to others, and more importantly, lying to himself was a cornerstone in his outlook on life. That all important inner voice that says “no” in evaluating right from wrong was absent.

When the turbulent years of adolescence came along with its inevitable peer pressure, Tommy drifted toward groups of young people who viewed the world much as he did. Cheating on tests, taking things that didn’t belong to him, doing what was acceptable to his friends were but a few of the examples that led Bobby to get into far greater trouble in later life. It was easy for him to deviate from society’s norms. The consequences didn’t matter.

This simple story contains many elements that, in my opinion, are at the root of many of the difficulties facing our society today.

Research for complex answers to complex problems often overlooks the basic principles that lead individuals to establish a moral code governing their behavior.

How do we break the cycle existing in many families where flawed character and lack of conscience are passed from one generation to the next?

At the risk of sounding like a moralist, I would suggest that the hard job of teaching responsibility, objective assessment of adult behavior, and yes, that important development of a healthy conscience lies at the feet of parents. How many of us sit back and let the feelings of “To thine own self be true” take command of our lives?

Remember, we are not born with a conscience. It is developed in childhood. Parents must assume the responsibility of developing this set of self-directing standards needed in governing our lives.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989