Conflicting Demands Can Burden Parents

The woman felt squeezed between the demands of two roles.

Her mother had fallen and broken her hip and nursing home arrangements needed to be made. But the woman had promised her adolescent that she would go along on an out-of-town school field trip that next week. She felt pulled between caring for her mother and keeping her promised to her son.

A middle-aged father found himself caught between the need to assist his aging parents financially, while at the same time providing for his immediate family’s numerous financial expenses.

These often encountered, seemingly conflicting demands occurs for many middle-aged individuals caught in the so-called “sandwich generation.” Feeling responsible for meeting the demands of parents and children is a source of stress. Complex and intense feelings of guilt, frustration, and even anger can result, leaving individuals desperately trying to cope with these demands, as well as their own feelings.

There are, however, thing they can do to make this period in life less difficult and less stressful. Suggestions for those desiring assistance include:

• Recognize that unhealthy dependency can be a source of difficulty. Many individuals create their own “trap” by doing too much for both their parents and their children.

Frequently adult children gradually assume more and more responsibility for the decisions and well being of their aging parents. As a result, aging parents may develop the belief that they need their children to help them manage their life, make decisions and provide the main course of happiness for them.

These same adult children create a parallel problem if they make all the decisions for their own children, leaving the children without the psychological resources needed to think independently and make good decisions.

People with unhealthy needs for control frequently fall into this trap. Deciding to change strategies and encourage more independence in their parents and children can be difficult if there has been a long history of overcontrolling. Therefore, an introspective examination of one’s own feelings about healthy control and involvement can prevent the emergence of problems in later life.

• When the inevitable conflicting demands do arise, a realistic examination of priorities and feelings of responsibility can help. Obtaining assistance from other family members, community support services and the loving encouragement of independence can all be of help.

• Recognize that this period in life is time-limited. Viewing this time of life as a stage of growth and development in the family’s life cycle can help. A sense of humor goes a long way during these times in helping to cope and adjust more effectively. Also helpful is talking with others who are going through or have gone through this stage of life. You often can learn form their solutions to problems.

• Above all, don’t neglect your own needs at this time. Set aside time to recharge your psychological batteries so you can deal more effectively with the needs of those who need your help during this time of the sandwich generation.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright © 1992