Control Freak

Dear Dr. LeCrone:
My local newspaper has started carrying your column and I wonder if you have ever addressed the topic of the “control freak”? From what I understand, many people suffer from this terrible “disease,” and I think my husband may have caught it. Can this problem be changed?

Dear Reader:

Yes, I have written on this subject in the past. The following comments highlight material from a previous column and from my own clinical practice.

I believe almost any kind of human behavior can be changed if certain stipulations are met. First, insight and awareness that a problem exists help a great deal if change is to occur. Second, the desire to change needs to be present. Finally, most behavioral change occurs on a continuum so that some people change more than others and the magnitude of the change varies. A complex set of factors determines this last variable, such as long standing personality characteristics, stress in a person's life, physical health, etc.

So-called “control freaks” often suffer from an underlying problem of anxiety. Again, this is a very complex problem and can have roots in physical problems, past trauma, personality disorders, or a combination of these.

The best approach to your husband's problem would appear to be encouraging him to get professional evaluation and treatment by your family physician and then probably by a mental health professional.

Short of this, you have a difficult task before you. Living with the kind of person you describe requires a great deal of compassion and patience. There are many good self-help resources available on this subject, such as books, support groups for him and you, and classes designed to educate and offer support.

Stress often makes this problem worse, but physical exercise will help lessen the underlying anxiety. Often those living with a "control freak" need to practice depersonalizing techniques. That is, to recognize that a control freak may try to shift his problem onto others with distorted kinds of thinking, such as, "if the rest of the world would just get their act together and be more perfect I wouldn't have to struggle so much to correct their mistakes." The trap here that needs to be avoided is not accepting blame for the control freak's distorted assumptions and perceptions.

Try to find balance by keeping the need for control under control.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright © 2004