Control Freak

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

As a result of attempting to deal with a series of crises over the past several years, I have realized that my personality has “a streak of a control freak”. I think that perfectionism is my first, middle and last name. Will you please write on the topic of overcoming the need for control?

A reader in Nebraska

Dear Reader:

Let me applaud your insight and courage in admitting your struggle with the problem of control and perfection. This dilemma affects the majority of all people to one degree or another. The excessive need for control and perfection is a very complex and multifaceted problem, and in my opinion, is one that can’t ever be overcome but instead must be managed more effectively. Perhaps the following comments will be helpful to you.

Where the potential for control exists, action on your part can produce a sense of accomplishment and completion. Exerting control and making change is not always a bad thing if it produces a productive, healthy result.

Where control is impossible or outside your reach, recognize that continued efforts to change the situation will often be non-productive and you should therefore direct your focus elsewhere. This re-direction of focus can produce feelings of relief and freedom.

Continued action on things that are outside of your control can often produce feelings of frustration and lack of completion or closure. The struggle to keep on keeping on is often described as chasing one’s tail or banging one’s head against a brick wall.

Taking no action when control is possible and choosing to exert no effort toward making a change can be damaging to one’s self-esteem and can produce feelings of failure. In these instances taking control can be appropriate and healthy.

This same philosophy exists in other forms, such as the famous serenity prayer:

“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

A line from a country and western song “you got to know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em also touches on this philosophy of being able to let go and give up the need for control.
Stress often intensifies this need and effective stress management can reduce the struggle underlying the need for fixing everything and everyone.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright © 2006