Compulsive Lying

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

My girlfriend of two years broke up with me last week after she caught me cheating on her. She called me a liar, started crying, and said that she felt I had lied to her throughout our relationship. She also said that I have the reputation of being a compulsive liar and that I believe my own lies. When I think about it, maybe I do lie without realizing it. I’ve often lied about how much money I make, what part of town I live in, and how many people I’ve slept with. Maybe I really do have a problem with lying?

Dear Reader:

Many people simply see lying as a means to an end. These people want something or simply think that they need something. Fact mixes with fiction, rules are broken, and someone ends up lying. Often, like a house of cards, the lies build upon themselves until their sheer weight finally causes a collapse. Sorting out the truth becomes difficult to do and sometimes it’s “just easier” to keep a lie going.

Other people lie out of fear. People may lie to avoid punishment, to save their self-image, or to hide from insecurities. Although lying once is not compulsive lying, a pattern of lies becomes like a sticky spider web. At some point, it becomes apparent that it would have been easier for the liar to have told the truth rather than to have lied in the first place.

Some professionals refer to compulsive lying as lying by reflex. Even when confronted with the truth, the liar insists that the lie is the truth. Pathological or compulsive lying is felt by some authorities to be an impulse control problem. Lying becomes then a matter of control or lack thereof.

Individuals with certain personality disorders such as anti-social, borderline, narcissistic and histrionic are often identified as being more likely to lie. People brought up in chaos, unhappiness, and chronic stress are more prone to lie in order to try to make life more tolerable. For these people, lying can be seen as a coping strategy. Lies are often the basis for communication in families burdened with substance abuse and/or domestic violence.

Overcoming compulsive lying requires great honesty, and often professional assistance, but an honest life is an authentic life. The truth will eventually set you free.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2004