The Controlling Boyfriend

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

I’m a freshman in college and struggling with a lot of issues related to change. My home, parents, family, and friends are several hours away from the university that I attend, I have a very messy roommate and have never lived with anyone in the past, and some of the material in my classes seems overwhelming. Finally, and perhaps the biggest problem of all, I have a boyfriend who I have dated for several years that continues to go to school and live in our home town. We made an “agreement” before I left for school that we would not date anyone but each other and keep our relationship “exclusive.” At the time that I made this agreement it seemed reasonable but now I am having second thoughts and have been asked out by several guys. I mentioned this to my boyfriend but he had a “fit” and is calling me, writing me, and e-mailing me night and day to make sure that I am keeping the agreement that we made. Do you have any suggestions on how I might approach this problem?

Dear Reader:

It seems that you are facing an age-old dilemma, agreeing to something that later may need to be changed. If you are having second thoughts about the exclusive dating arrangement that you have with your boyfriend now then I would strongly encourage you to consider whether you want to be in a committed relationship this soon in your life I think that it might be helpful to explore your feelings with a neutral, objective person. Given the other stressors in your life that you mentioned earlier, I would suggest this counseling sooner rather than later. Struggling with this relationship issue on top of everything else you are facing could lead to a lot of negative consequences that include compromising your academic efforts, disaffecting your health and detracting from your overall college experience.

Perhaps you could agree to date other people for a few months which could, among other things, test the strength of your feelings and relationship with your boyfriend. A long term commitment like you have made this early in your life should be evaluated very carefully.

Good luck to you and your boyfriend.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2004