When Being in Control Is a Problem

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

You have written about the subject of “control” in some of your past columns and I
wonder if you could return to this topic with the following spin in mind? What are some warning signs that an individual exhibits when control is a problem? I think that my need for control is out of control and I’m afraid that the problem is affecting every area of my life including my relationships with the people that I love the most.

Dear Reader:

Your question would appear to indicate that you have some insight and awareness in an area of human behavior that can be a big problem for many people. Where is the line between being organized, efficient, focused, orderly, etc., versus being overly perfectionistic, intolerant of mistakes (both in oneself and other people), obsessed with details, rigid and unbending, nit picking, etc.

Here are a few situations that I have seen during my 35 years of observing human
behavior.

You may have a problem:

• When you find yourself obsessing and ruminating about the outcome of most
everything that you approach in life.

• When you frequently find yourself thinking that the outcome “must be, should be,
ought to be, and have to be” a certain way or else.

• When you associate being in control of something with being successful and on top of things and not being in control with sloppiness, failure, and anxiety.

• When letting go of an issue usually feels like “failure” rather than thinking “maybe this is not meant to be.”

• When looking at alternatives is often truly a struggle.

• When significant people in your life often have to tell you “enough is
enough,” “perhaps another day,” or “let it go and move on.”

• When phrases like “take time to smell the roses” or “slow down and enjoy life more” seem like words meant for someone else.

• When “I worry about something or someone almost all of the time” seems to apply to you.

• When relaxing seems like a luxury that you can’t afford and a waste of time.

If many of these apply to you then perhaps you need to examine your need for
control. Remember that self-discipline, will power, and other positive behaviors
involve control, but too much of a good thing can be a problem.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2004