Defusing an angry child takes patience

He is like a time bomb about to explode and I don't know what else to do.

With society concentrating on the increasing amount of violence today, both parents and teachers are seeking solutions for children who have too much anger inside, who frequently display inappropriate or very disruptive behavior.

If a child is out of control, immediate intervention is needed to stop the behavior. Here are some guidelines to follow:

• Calm yourself. In your normal body posture and in a composed manner, always ask the child to stop what he/she is doing. Do not attempt to physically restrain. Keep a distance away so that the child will not feel threatened by you.

• If the child does not stop, then take action, going from non-verbal to verbal to physical action steps.

• Be assertive. Tell the child what you expect them to do. Don't threaten. Don't beg. Don't argue.

• If the child's action indicates that others may be in danger, ask them to leave the scene. If needed, ask them to send help.

• Set up a time-out period. Angry children need their own space.

After the time-out, arrange to talk with the child.

• Let the child tell his or her side of the story. What you are looking for are unmet needs of the child, their version of what they were trying to accomplish. Ask what you were doing, never why. They can tell you what, but the usually don't know why.

• Work toward a solution. Let the child suggest a plan of action. Compromise and decide together on the consequences if this behavior should recur.

• If the child is not willing to discuss the incident, another time-out is suggested.

Work toward defusing violence by handling the situation with as much privacy as possible. In the home, parents can work with the child alone by asking siblings or other family members not to intercede. In the classroom teachers can take the child to another area. By working alone with the child, a parent or teacher can build trust and maintain confidence. Points to ponder which may help to better understand defiant or angry children are:

• What is going on in their life right now? What led up to this outburst?
• What are their special abilities and what do they like to do? Do they feel any measure of success right now?
• The time of day when they are usually most disruptive.
• Their most recent medical report?
• What works best--ignoring small outbursts before they escalate or talking about it? Sometimes humor can defuse.
• What does this child fear?

Finally, some signs that anger may be piling up are:

• Tensing muscles.
• Tears in they eyes.
• Angry stares. Grimacing facial expressions.
• Rapid breathing.
• Change in voice from very high to very low.

Working with children who seem volatile and explosive is never easy. But most children can be taught cooperation and mutual respect and when they have someone who is on their side that they can trust, the diffusion begins. It's certainly worth the effort.

Copyright c 1994 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.