The following question was recently presented to me:
My wife has struggled for years with an insatiable need for recognition and approval. She can’t or won’t say no and consequently often ends up overcommitted and stressed out.
Even worse, perhaps, is her tendency to tear herself down, belittle and berate herself. She has often become immobilized with worry over making the smallest decisions. In fact, whole days can go by without her starting any projects or tasks with the slightest degree of complexity because of her fear of failure.
She has a morbid fear of my leaving her for someone else, and no reassurance on my part will convince her otherwise. I must admit that her clinging, smothering behavior does little to improve my feelings for her, but I have no intention of leaving.
Her brother, who is a counselor in another city, has told her that she suffers from something called a dependent personality.
My response, in the brief space available, is to describe some of the characteristics of a dependent personality and comment on the treatment of this problem.
Those suffering from a dependent personality frequently exhibit difficulties that may include:
Reluctance to disagree with others for fear of withdrawal of support or rejection.
An excessive need for nurturance and comfort from others, often resulting in imparting feelings to others of clinging, helplessness and constant need for reassurance.
Fears of being alone, abandonment and the inability to take care of him or her self.
Pervasive feelings of inferiority, a lack of confidence with consequent need of massive positive reinforcement from the surrounding environment.
Major difficulties in decision-making without excessive input and reassurance from others.
A strong desire by the dependent person for others to assume responsibility for him or her.
Significant difficulty in being assertive, of giving anything less than positive feedback to others and of saying no, even when being taken advantage of.
Problems in initiating activities or work on tasks alone.
Frantic search for someone to replace disrupted or terminated relationships.
Treatment frequently includes self-esteem building, including the correction of erroneous false assumptions and beliefs. Other treatment includes: Assistance in developing healthier communication patters and more effective relationship skills.
Libraries and bookstores have many excellent self-help resources available on the subject of dependency, and the Internet has a growing number of websites.
Copyright c 1997 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.
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I’m an experienced Clinical Practitioner, Administrator, Professional Writer, and Lecturer.
