Depressed Friend

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

I have a friend who has been depressed for a long time. She has been to see a lot of doctors and counselors for help but says that none of them really understand her problem. She has made me her only source of help and I am starting to feel depressed myself. I love my friend but can’t go on this way any longer. My sympathy is wearing thin. My parents tell me I need to tell my friend to “get a life” and put some distance between us. When I have tried to do this in the past she makes me feel guilty by telling me that I am not a true friend if I don’t stay by her side and prop her up when she needs it. I am beginning to feel a lot of frustration and anger, especially when at times, my friend’s depression seems like a plain old “pity party.” I wonder if I have become part of the problem instead of part of the solution. What do you think?

Dear Reader:

First of all, recognize and accept the fact that there are times when feeling unsympathetic is normal and acceptable. Remember that you can still love your friend and feel compassion for her but don’t assume the responsibility of trying to be her therapist. Don't let her problem become your problem. Help your depressed friend cultivate other support systems besides just you and try to help her focus on options and alternatives for assistance.

You don't have to have training in counseling to be a good "sounding board." Being a good listener instead of attempting to solve your friend's problems or give advice is often the most helpful thing you can for her. However, set some boundaries in the relationship so that not only your friend can “get a life’ but you too can have your own physical and psychological space.

However, if your friend reaches a crisis point and attempts to harm herself or someone else, then active intervention is necessary. If your friend's problems reach suicidal or homicidal proportions, then be sure that you are aware of community emergency resources to meet these needs.

There are times that distance and a different perspective on life is necessary for your own mental health and well being. Strengthen your friendship by setting boundaries and find a healthy balance of support rather than dependence to help your depressed friend.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2005