Divorce especially hard on the children
When parents divorce, children are usually unprepared for the changes they will experience. Although they may have been aware that happiness was not present in the home, they usually hope and even fantasize for a resolution to the conflict or other things that are keeping their parents from being united.
Children usually respond to news of an impending divorce with shock, apprehension, and anger. Sometimes they have deep seated fears and will even panic. Some, however, can appear to be numb. Later that numbness will often change into a delayed reaction of resentment, anger, or depression.
Since divorce can cause abrupt changes in the lives of these children, they may display poor study habits at home, poor grades at school, and a disinterest in friends and activities. Sharing the news of the family situation may be awkward, but may assist the teachers and counselors in helping the child deal with this crisis.
Sometimes a child may cling to a special friend, a relative or grandparent in whom they will try to confide their feelings and fears.
Many children, especially younger ones, may suffer from guilt feelings. They fear they may have somehow caused the divorce. And since they fear they were responsible, they will assume the responsibility of correcting the situation and will strive with all means and measures they can muster to reunite mother and dad. They may even resort to rebellion and overt behaviors hoping that the attention they will receive will somehow make both parents work together. Even when the child realizes that their parents cannot live together in harmony, they may be reluctant to admit that they are often somewhat relieved.
• When parents decide that a divorce is going to happen, they should reassure their children that they will be taken care of.
• Parents should present an image of being able to communicate with each other about the child's needs. They want to convey to the children that they still love them and will care for them.
• Parents need to keep in mind that schoolwork often suffers. While children are working through the fears and stress of adjustment they will have less energy for learning. If parents make undue demands on them at this time, additional stress could be the result.
• Encourage children to talk, but don't force them. Sometimes reading stories about families in divorce can be therapeutic. A school counselor or school psychologist can be consulted. Groups of children may share concerns and find that others have survived the crisis of parental separation. Parents may also find a support group is beneficial for them.
• Parents need to remember that telling their children about their divorce is an ongoing process, one that requires thoughtful explanation, and one in which the children feel the love and support of both of them.
Copyright c 1996 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.
