Children need to learn about mortality
Helping children learn about and deal with the concept of death is important, both from the standpoint of helping them deal with the inevitable death of family members, friends and others around them, and because it helps them begin to understand their own mortality and eventually learn to accept that they are mortal in a healthy way.
Many of who have reared children have had to deal with questions such as, “When will I die?” “Will you die and leave me?” or “Why do we have to die?”
In helping children understand and grasp a healthy concept of the life cycle including dying, it is important to know what the typical stages and levels of understanding are.
• Prior to the age of about 2 or 3 most children do not seem to grasp the concept of death, studies in human development have revealed. Objects and people outside the child’s field of perception seem to simply not exist at all. There is a lack of awareness of anything not present in the visual field.
• From 3 to 5 or 6 the child may begin to attribute the concept of life and death to people and things, but often sees this as a transitory or temporary condition. Many of us have observed children of this age playing games that involve getting shot, falling down, playing dead, only to bound up in a few minutes and be alive again. At this age they may believe the death of a grandparent or relative is unlikely to last long.
• At some point around the age of 5 or 6 on up to age 9 most children begin to understand that death is an inevitable stage for all of us. However, this usually excludes the belief that they themselves will die. Anxiety about parents or grandparents dying is sometimes noted, but their own mortality is something that seems non-existent or unlikely. In this age group, accidents or illnesses occur only when you are much older.
• Around the age of 9 or 10 most children begin to perceive death in more realistic fashions. These are approximate or average ages and it should be understood that some children progress and develop at a different rate from these figures.
Children who go into adolescence without developing a proper perspective on death are frequently characterized as extreme risk takers. Some of their behavior – such as riding recklessly on motorcycles or using drugs – may involve some element of denial as to their own immortality.
Parents are often reluctant to talk about death with their children. Due to a lack of understanding on how best to deal with the subject matter or due to emotional conflicts over this complex and emotional laden subjects, they may avoid the subject or brush off the children with irrelevant and inadequate responses.
This may lead to greater problems in the future. Children may develop a lot of unrealistic fears about the future and anxiety about death due to improper handling of the subject with their parents at an earlier age.
Next week I will discuss some of the important dos and don’ts related to this part of the life cycle.
Copyright c 1991 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.
