Situations may dictate child’s development
Some readers have requested that I discuss a phenomenon they call “disappointing offspring.” The scenario, they say, is something like this:
Sometimes children of hard-working, successful, ambitious parents fail to follow the pattern set by the parents. Instead, the child or children of these parents seem to drift along somewhat aimlessly in life reaching adulthood without self-discipline, goals or ambition.
The parents may at first appear bewildered, then disappointed, and finally often experience guilt feelings. They are puzzled and so are their friends. Why do these offspring fail to achieve the maturity or acquire the psychological characteristics which most of society considers healthy and normal? It would appear that the parents have provided the foundation for high self-esteem, have provided the educational opportunities, and have modeled behaviors which would promote healthy growth and inspire success.
Mental health professionals have analyzed the situation. In my own practice, I have observed some of the following situations which may contribute to “disappointing offspring.”
• One explanation given most frequently is the child was given too much. They weren’t allowed to learn the value of working for something. They were indulged to the point that they never learned what it was like to postpone gratification or to be responsible for the consequences of their behavior.
• Another explanation is that the adult child is rebelling against the values of his or her parents. The child assumes oppositional characteristics. In de-emulating the value system of the parents, the child is perceived as being irresponsible, lazy, and even worthless.
• Parents, in their love and concern, often become overprotective, shielding the children to the point that they are emotionally stunted, naïve, and are lacking in skills and confidence necessary to enter adulthood.
• During the formative years, the child may have been deprived of the parent’s presence. The parents may have been too busy with their careers to nurture and give the emotional support needed for healthy psychological development.
All of these factors and others may contribute to the complex problem of disappointing offspring and may never be totally understood by even the most experienced and skilled mental health practitioners.
Some children are simply late bloomers. Given additional time, they do find themselves and evolve into relatively well-adjusted adults. Sometimes counseling helps to redirect and adjust. Looking for simple answers to complex problems is rarely useful, nor is an overly intense and rigid plan for raising children advised.
Unconditional love, proper boundaries and limits, as well as a good understanding of child and adolescent development is helpful. A healthy dose of pure old common sense, based on good judgment and a healthy frame of reference, goes a long way in rearing healthy, happy, well-adjusted offspring.
Copyright c 1991 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.
