Don’t’ go it alone in tough times

Last week we talked about a technique of mental rehearsal that sometimes helps cope with potentially disappointing news.

There are other psychological techniques developed by behavioral scientists that also are useful in learning to cope with disappointment.

Finding a friend who will listen, support and encourage us is often very useful in working through a disappointment. Perhaps the friend has been through the same thing and has dealt with it successfully, or maybe that friend knows someone who has coped with a disappointing event similar to ours. Sometimes just having a listener who is willing to be sympathetic and understanding is more than enough. Withdrawing and isolating oneself when disappointment occurs is not healthy. Many individuals, after a mild disappointment, tend to want to get away to be alone. After a while of thinking about the event, they make a psychological mountain out of what was originally not more than a molehill. They tend to catastrophize and overgeneralize until what was once a disappointment has turned into a life-threatening event in their eyes. Talking with a friend or a trained professional can help us evaluate the situation and can keep us from blowing something out of proportion and going into a blue funk.

Another useful technique is reframing our thinking. In the case of disappointment, this involves sitting down and objectively looking at the situation to see whether the actual outcome is nearly as disappointing as you may have first considered it to be. Many of us remember our parents’ response to our spilling, say, a glass of chocolate milk or dropping a piece of pie on the floor, instead of scolding us or telling us that there would be no more, they would help us clean up the mess and offer to replenish the lost treat.

Certainly suggestions about being careful might go along with this scenario, but keeping this disappointing event from turning into a catastrophe is the important point.

Parents frequently can help their children reframe the losing outcome of a sporting event by helping the child recognize that here is always another day, that additional practice can improve proficiency, and that we cannot always be at our peak. All of these approaches will help put the loss in a less disappointing perspective.

Another relatively simple technique is to compare the outcome to situations that would have been less favorable. This technique parallels the old adage, “I felt sorry for myself because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet.” Looking at disappointing events and saying, “it could have been worse,” often helps us to look to the future and move forward in a positive way.

There are many other techniques that can help us keep disappointments from being a burden. I plan to discuss them with you in future columns.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1988