Don’t’ let hurt, resentment control your life

Nearly everyone harbors a memory of a wounded past – some hurt, some injustice, some mistake which they vow they will not only never forget, but which they say they will never allow to happen again.

Jane thinks a colleague kept her from receiving an honor and a promotion to a position she really wanted. Jane swears she will never again trust a co-worker or share new ideas, fearing she will not get the credit she deserves.

Tom feels victimized. His best friend, through careless gossip, spread unfounded rumors about him. He felt the hurt of rejection, of suspicion and was unable to correct the misinformation. To this day, he carries the burden of this unfair experience.

Like Jane and Tom we learn from past mistakes, but most of us do not keep the wound open and throbbing by constantly replaying the memories in our mind. Instead, we use such incidents for growth and maturity and are prepared to encounter a similar situation in the future with more favorable results.

Jane, who is considered an introvert, deals with her past would be being a loner. Fearful of establishing a relationship, she steers clear of everyone she fears will wound her again. Nursing her damaged ego she is at times like a walking time bomb.

Tom is more of an extrovert and talks incessantly about the injustice he suffered. Hostile, argumentative and aggressive, he wants everyone to realize that he won’t be victimized again. His critical nature and constant volatile state makes people shun him and he fails to understand this.

Both Jane and Tom need to realize that the people they are associating with today are not the same as the people who hurt them in the past, that current associations are not the offenders.

If Jane and Tom want to change, they can reorganize their thoughts and get beyond the past.

Some possible ways to reorganize their thoughts are:

• Accept the fact that they are not alone in having feelings of resentment. Most people can remember some injustice or miscarriage of justice in their lives. But they dealt with it and life moved on.

• Let go of bad feelings by choosing to do something positive. They could adopt an attitude of compassion for both self and others. Strive to be forgiving and self-reliant.

To start with, they need to test themselves. Are they being fair? Just because they were treated unfairly does not mean they should treat others with suspicion and doubt. Doing so will make life a vicious cycle.

• Reconstruct the event through careful analysis. Write down the facts as they remember them. Often, this objective approach will uncover points that have eluded them. Then on another sheet of paper write down their feelings and fears.

Through this subjective approach, unrealistic assumptions may surface. A comparison of the two lists may change the picture and help them get rid of any anger that’s left.

If, however, Tom and Jane are unable to conquer their past feelings they will remain in fear and wounded for the remainder of their lives. Seeking professional help to unravel the past would greatly benefit them.

Copyright c 1994 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.