Forgiveness key to emotional well-being

The ability to forgive is essential to the overall emotional well-being of an individual.

Those unable to forgive are burdened by a psychological millstone, making it difficult, if not impossible, to trust, believe and interact with others in a healthy, expedient manner.

Recently I observed some small children playing. Several disagreements broke out among them over ownership and possession of certain toys, decisions over which games to play and who could play with them.

Their dialogue and other forms of communication, some non-verbal, continued for some time. Noting the leadership pattern, negotiating strategies and other more primitive activities was like looking through a kaleidoscope with its ever-changing facets and patterns.

Among several observations I made during this interesting period was the manner in which the children moved through disagreements, continued on with their play and forgave each other readily.

It struck me how distinctly different many adults handle their grudges, disappointments with each other and disagreements. I have spoken with individuals in my counseling practice who proudly proclaim they have “held a grudge forever.”

An important distinction needs to be made in this area of human interaction between forgetting and forgiving. To equate these tow is both naïve and unrealistic.

Having been wronged or harmed by someone is not something that, in many situations, one would expect to forget. One can, however, through understanding and compassion, view the past transgression in light of other activities and events that make forgiveness possible.

Forgiveness and trust often accompany each other so in forgiving someone we may also be stating that we are willing to trust them in some form of human behavior.

Trusting someone does not necessarily imply forgetting the past. In fact, the mutual remembrance of past history may serve to reinforce and make stronger the desire to continue behavior that warrants trust.

Lacking the ability to forgive is common associated with a deep-seated inability to accept one’s own shortcomings. In my experience, unforgiving individuals often possess a certain arrogance and self-righteousness that is related to their own poor self-esteem.

Forgiveness, which is found in individuals who are described as flexible and able to accommodate change, is not often found in those who are rigid and tightly bound to a narrow view of right and wrong.

Forgiveness may elicit feelings of fear in people who see changing their beliefs about something as being equated to loss of control. Their tunnel vision of the world keeps them from perceiving and feeling things in a healthy and rewarding manner.

Individuals attempting to help people develop a broader, more accepting and tolerant attitude know it is possible, in many cases, to help individuals develop the ability to be more forgiving and thus open up a whole new world of psychological well-being.

Copyright c 1991 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.