Help those who have suffered loss

Many of us are more aware of losses in our lives during the holiday season. It can be especially difficult for people who have lost a family member or friend that was dear to them or for those who have just been divorced and are alone at this time.

During the many years I have addressed this problem in counseling people and also in having experienced the loss of several relatives who were close to me, I can share the feelings of pain and grief as well as feel empathy and sympathy for individuals experiencing these losses. As I have stated in past columns, this is a time to rally around friends and family members needing support during this especially difficult time.

Perhaps the hardest time of all is for those who have lost a child and are going through the grief and bereavement associated with this exceptionally painful event. With so much of Christmas centered around children and families, constant reminders are painful.

A child psychiatrist, writing in the American Journal of Diseases of Children, suggested that bereaving parents need to try, as difficult as it may seem, to laugh a lot during the holidays and focus on having a good time.

According to this authority, the enjoyment will help bring the family closer and make things seem less painful. As difficult as this suggestion may seem, any mechanism that binds together the rest of the family during a troubled time such as this should merit consideration.

Following is a list of don’ts:


Don’t hesitate to spend time talking about the special qualities and characteristics of the deceased child. Sharing memories with others can be a healthy part of the grieving process.
Don’t neglect to spend time and recognize the importance of surviving siblings. Other children may, if consideration is not given them, feel left out. The grief they are also experiencing will be deepened if they do not have the support of their parents.
Don’t expect the surviving family members to suppress their feelings of grief and loss. Let their feelings surface and share the grief with them. Don’t try to change the subject or discourage discussions of the child.
Don’t tell parents they can always have other children.
Don’t’ tell parents you know how they feel if you don’t have firsthand knowledge of the death of a child.

One very important “Do” should be added to this list:

Do encourage religious faith and spiritual guidance, which can be a great comfort during this time of tragedy. Often it is one of the most helpful elements in the psychological recovery process.

If you know someone who has recently experienced a loss of a loved one, especially a child, give them extra support and care this holiday season. Realizing what other people are experiencing can also help us appreciate our own children and realize that one of the greatest gifts that we have at any time is that of being parents and having the family together during the holidays.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989