Reducing Stress On Children Of Divorced Parents During The Holidays

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

My parents were divorced when I was 6 years old and both remarried when I was a teenager. I remember some rather painful times during the holiday season while growing up and feel that these difficulties continue to affect me in a negative way even now as an adult during the holidays.
Parents in families where divorce has taken place need awareness and insight about the importance of keeping the feelings of their children in the forefront during the holidays. Can you please discuss this issue in your column?

-A reader in New York

Dear Reader.

Children of divorced parents often find the holiday season very stressful and confusing. Parents may battle over finances, and children may feel the war over money is their fault. Issues of power and control often occur, and parents may seize upon the opportunity to criticize their former spouse.
Adjusting to new routines, new traditions and new expectations in a blended family make a child sometimes feel awkward and out of place, especially if the child is asked to relate intimately to new family members who are coming from dissimilar backgrounds.

Here are some methods parents can use to help reduce the stress for children of divorce during the holidays.

Make a serious and dedicated attempt to keep the season from being a battleground whereby the children become casualties. Develop and maintain an awareness of the effect that the parents’ own unresolved negative feelings and emotions may have on their children. A "truce" can be established, if necessary, to keep the children from being caught in the middle and forced to "walk on egg shells."

Give children the time and opportunity to discuss their feelings and emotions.

Involve grandparents and other family members to help promote a sense of continuity and tradition needed at this time.

Avoid questioning the child about what happened in the other parent's home or making the child a messenger of information to the other household.

Send and receive the child to and from the other parent with feelings of love, trust, and assurance that both parents are a haven of security for him or her.

Children who feel secure, loved by both parents and not caught in the middle of old battles between their parents can have a very happy holiday season.