Holidays often hard for children of divorce

Children of divorced parents often find the holiday season very stressful and confusing. Memories of familiar routines fill their hearts and minds. It may be that they don't want to forego the trip to grandma's house for the family dinner, to play with cousins and get to see other family members, or they may want to continue to open their gifts in their own home they way it used to be. As they observe families of friends and neighbors to begin to gather in close and happy circumstances, they begin to experience emotions of frustration, fear, anger, guilt, sadness, and even dread.

Teenagers especially may experience increased turmoil as their ambivalence toward authority figures--including their parents--intensifies and results in conflicting demands. If their parents have remarried, it often means adjustment from old memories and old traditions to new ones in the blended family. Adjusting to change often creates inner hostilities and the tendency to blame parents for changing "everything I liked to do." They may want to get away from both parents--break away--and spend the time with their peers where they feel they have control and the freedom to do what they like.

Smaller children needing the love and security of both parents are often caught in the middle of an ongoing war between their parents. Instead of experiencing the joy and anticipation of the holidays, they develop feelings of instability and insecurity. Holidays can become times of sadness and longing. Here are some other examples of stress that children of divorce may encounter:

• Parents may intensify a battle over finances as the expenses of gifts, holiday travel from one parent's home to the other, and additional food and entertainment occurs. Children may feel the war over money is their fault. As one teenager recently told me, "I wish my parents would just forget about me during the holidays and fight over something else."

• Issues of power and control often come to the forefront as each parent wants to know in detail what the other parent will be doing while the child is with them. They may then seize upon this opportunity to criticize their former spouse. Again, the child feels guilt as he or she begins to wonder if they are the cause of it all.

• Adjusting to new routines, new traditions, and new expectations in a blended family makes a child sometimes feel awkward and out of place, especially if the child is asked to relate intimately to people coming from a different family with dissimilar backgrounds. The child may express a concern that this whole new holiday season is "being crammed down their throat." Of course, not all children of divorce and children of blended families have these feelings. Many parents have been careful to consider their needs and have worked together to make the transition work. Here are some methods parents can use to help reduce the stress for children of divorce.

• Make a serious and dedicated attempt to keep the season from being a battle ground whereby the children become casualties. Develop and maintain an awareness of the effect that their own unresolved negative feelings and emotions can potentially have on their children. A "truce" can be drawn up, if necessary, to keep the children form being caught in the middle and forced to "walk on egg shells."

• Give children the time and opportunity to discuss their feelings and emotions. Ask them what they would like to continue or discontinue about holiday arrangements. Involve grandparents and other family members to help promote a sense of continuity and tradition needed at this time.

• Avoid questioning the child about what happened in the other parent's household or making the child a messenger of information to the other household.

• Send and receive the child to and from the other parent with feelings of love, trust, and assurance that both parents are a haven of security for him or her.

Copyright c 1996 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.