Family reunions don’t have to be stressful

Recently, I received a request from a reader of this column which might interest many other individuals at this time of year. "I will be attending a large family reunion with my family later this summer and have mixed emotions about going. In the past, periods of tension existed during this long weekend reunion, and frankly, my wife would rather not subject any of us to this potential stress this year. My parents are deceased, but I feel that I should keep up the tradition and attend. Do you have any suggestions that might help us deal with potential problems if we should decide to go?"

Let me respond to your request by stating that I feel that you should make your decision on whether to attend based on what is healthy for your family, not on the tradition or obligation that your parents might have felt. Family reunions can be mixed blessings. I attended many of these myself as a child and adolescent, as my father came from a family of twelve brothers and sisters, where family reunions were a yearly event. Most of my memories of these family gatherings are positive, but I do recall several instances where old wounds and misunderstandings produced unpleasantness. Following are some suggestions which might help make your family reunion, should you choose to attend, a more pleasant encounter and memory.

• Relatives who have not seen you for several years may remember you as you were when they last saw you, perhaps finding it difficult to interact with you in your present role as an adult, spouse, and parent. Give them a chance to catch up with your development and overlook any references to their initial perceptions of you as a child. Along with this, remember that your relatives have changed too. Don't blunder into asking Uncle Joe about Aunt Mary unless you are sure that she is still alive and he is still married to her. Statements like, "Tell me how things have been since I last saw you," often open the door for an updated history, along with avoiding possible embarrassment.

• Try to put aside any animosity and old grudges you might hold toward other family members, at least for the short time you are together. Staying active as a group with games, movies, songs, and other activities may prevent situations where too much recollection and reminiscence might be potentially harmful.

• Recognize that in situations such as family reunions, class reunions, and other such gatherings, individuals sometimes exaggerate their accomplishments or act in pretentious ways, attempting to create false impressions in order to gain recognition and approval. Try to overlook these attempts to bolster egos and cover up insecurities. Instead, focus on the more pervasive and longstanding good qualities present in other family members.

• Focus on the things that you cherish about your family and concentrate on the values and traditions that have helped you in your own personal development. Write down some of your recollections of amusing and happy times from the past to relate to family members, should the opportunity arise.

• If you should begin to feel uncomfortable while at the reunion, get away for a short time. A walk, drive, or trip to the store can often break up too much togetherness. When the conversation lags, make a friendly departure. Above all, don't stay past the time when there is enjoyment in togetherness. A good rule of thumb is to leave while you are still having a good time and enjoying yourself.

Good luck and best wishes to you and your family.

Copyright c 1997 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.