No family reunions are perfect

Summer is family reunion time. For many it will be a time of anticipation and happiness; for others it will be a time of frustration and discontent.

Why don’t reunions make everyone happy? As the family circle widens, the relationships become more complex as families are composed of people with many diverse interests. While some people feel guilty that their family has some faulty interpersonal relationships, they should realize that nearly all families have problems. It is how they react and cope with changes in the family group that makes the difference in successful and unsuccessful meetings.

So before you say no to attending your next family reunion, consider these factors:

• Relationships are constantly changing, but some parents tend to continue to act like parents even though their children are now approaching middle age.

• Some children assume they still have the same childhood needs from their parents even though they are now holding management positions in their firms.

• Sibling rivalries surface during reunions. Some unresolved feelings are intensified as one sibling has met unexpected success, another has suffered a reversal.

• The relationship between your parents has changed. The empty nest has created time for them to develop new interest, friends and hobbies. They have learned to appreciate solitude.

• Some in-laws may not meet with your approval.

• Realize that most of these factors are tensions associated with new roles of maturity that have been developing separate from the initial family circle.

If you felt uncomfortable at the last family reunion, make a list of behaviors that happened at that time.

• Ask yourself who and what annoyed you. Did your sister-in-law talk too much about her role in community social consciousness? Did your brother brag too much about his stock market success? Did your niece or nephew receive honors that were beyond those of your children? If so, plan to meet the situation head-on. Tell your sister-in-law about your new interest in genealogy. Tell your brother that your recent investments satisfy your financial goals. Express your love and concern for your children and their accomplishments.

• Don’t hold old grudges. Forget about resentments that your sister practiced the piano while you cleaned the bathtubs. Get ride of shoulds. Forget that your mother should quit babying your brother or that your father should be more affectionate. Accept the fact that you can’t change anyone, but you can change the way you feel about past habits.

• Think ahead about the things you cherish about your family. Concentrate on values received, loving care and good times of the past.

• Plan ahead for nice things to say to each family member. You may wish to congratulate them on their new appearance of congratulate them on some recent event. This should set the tone for a favorable meeting during the entire reunion.

• Recognize that enjoyment of family meetings come from feeling good about yourself. Don’t waste time feeling sorry for yourself or expect sympathy if things have been bad. Concentrate on the brief reunion and the togetherness of the group.

• If you should feel uncomfortable, get away for a short time for a walk or a drive in the country. Don’t overstay your time at the reunion. When the conversation lags, make a friendly departure.

• Above all, attend the reunion with the attitude that it is going to be a time for new beginnings. You may certainly reminisce, but concentrate on today. Tomorrow may never exist; yesterday is an unchangeable memory.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1986