How to be alone but not lonely

Did you make it a point to visit someone during the holidays who knew was lonely? The media gave a lot of attention to helping shut-ins, remembering the hospitalized, visiting elderly people who live alone or those who were hospitalized or neglected.

Certainly holidays augment loneliness because they bring memories of pleasant times when families were together, when loved ones were present and when one’s situation might have been more pleasant. Actually, the time to remember all those people is throughout the year, as most of us are lonely at times.

Emptiness, dread, anxiety and rejection are feelings described by most people as unpleasant.

There is a great deal of difference, however, between being lonely and being alone. Many people are alone and lead happy lives. It may behoove us to study some of their traits because may of us are likely to be alone at some point in our lives. We should consider:

The high divorce rate in our culture.
Statistics that show that wives outlive husbands.
The advocacy in our society toward self-sufficiency and independence.

Contrary to many beliefs, the elderly are not the loneliest. It is young people who are most lonely and herein may lie some of the differences between being lonely and being alone.

Many elderly people have developed traits or habits that help them weather the storm, so to speak. They have found ways to keep busy mentally, and they do not perceive being alone as being lonely. Many rely on good memories of a deceased spouse for comfort while relishing the peace and quiet of a household void of too much activity. They have reached the point where their status quo is calmness.

The young, however, are subject to a wide range of moods. They may be up one morning and down that evening or up and down several times in a given day. They are often bored and restless to the point of being unhappy for no apparent reason. Since at this point they have lessened self-esteem to sustain them, they may view popularity only as being among and admired by throngs of people. When they are not sought after and included in all activities of their peers, their self-esteem is lowered again.

When they are lonely, they blame themselves and resort to activities that exclude social contact or productivity, such as watching too much television. A recent high school study revealed that students with the lowest self-esteem also were the students who said they watched the most television.

Being alone can have its advantages. The creative person craves time alone. Any professional who takes a sabbatical and spends some time alone returns refreshed mentally and spiritually.

To reap the rewards of solitude, a person alone who feels lonely can reverse the feeling. Tune out thoughts of self and tune into another person or into an activity. They can:

Write letters.
Read.
Paint.
Sew.
Care for a pet.
Enroll in a correspondence course. Subjects range from Bible study to art history.

A person who is alone and feeling lonely should avoid situations such as:

Drinking alcohol alone.
Using other escapes such as non-prescribed medications.
Watching so much television that it becomes a substitute for socializing.


It may sometimes be good to be alone, but it is never good to be lonely.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1988