Is She Going To Be The Mother- In- Law From Hell
Dear Dr. LeCrone:
My fiancée and I plan to get married in late summer of this year. We have discussed the important issues facing us after marriage with agreement on how to handle most of our differing pre-marital ways of doing things.
However, we are facing one potential big problem. My future mother- in- law has a very strong need to be in charge of anything that she is even remotely involved in. For example, the wedding plans are almost all her decisions. Also, she made a down payment on a house for us without much input from me. Finally, questions and comments about my career lead me to believe that she can’t wait to micromanage what I do for a living.
Although I appreciate her interest, I fear that her need to control is going to be a big issue for us after the wedding. My wife seems to be in agreement with me and we need suggestions about what to do now.
-A reader in Georgia
Dear Reader:
Be aware that your perception of your fiancée’s mother’s intents and motives is possibly based on false assumptions, at least in part.
For example, it has long been known that in our culture, the wedding is to a large degree an event for the mother of the bride. I’ll leave the interpretation of this phenomenon up to theologians and wedding planners, but don’t personalize your feelings on this issue.
As far as the house is concerned, consider the old saying, “don’t look gift horses in the mouth.” Alternatively, your input would certainly seem to be needed, especially if you are responsible for the mortgage payments on the balance of the home loan.
Finally, your potential future mother- in- law may be genuinely interested in your career and what path you will take to support her daughter.
The key to your current dilemma is to sit down with your fiancée and a counselor to discuss your concerns. Be open to examining your own need for control. Counseling can lead to setting and communicating boundaries that you and your fiancée feel are needed in the future relationship with her mother. Also, counseling can hopefully provide a framework for an open and healthy dialogue with her when you do have differences.
