Father of the Bride

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

My local newspaper recently carried the announcement of your daughter’s marriage. Will you consider writing a column from the perspective of “the father of the bride?”

A reader in Oklahoma

Dear Reader:

My daughter was married recently to a fine man whom she met in college. A good friend, whose daughter was married a few years ago, counseled me to focus on the three S’s during the process of planning a wedding. He said the father need only “SIT DOWN, SHUT UP, and SHELL OUT.”

My wife and daughter seemed to appreciate my help in the selection of the facility for the reception, choosing the date of the wedding, and making suggestions for the guest list. However, my input on most all of the other details was unwanted and unappreciated. I will never forget a few of the early conversations about the wedding.

It was during this time that I learned that most of these discussions were, in my opinion, very broad, unfocused, open- ended and part of a process. My approach, like many men in these situations, was to address the question with several quick options, seek a result, arrive at a decision, and then move on. This was definitely not the agenda that my daughter and wife desired. At times their discussions seemed to become quite heated and argumentative. When I offered this observation, they quickly told me that they were merely brainstorming and that I had misjudged the situation completely.

Not being a shopper, I was gratefully excluded from the many, many excursions necessary to select wedding dresses, wedding cakes, flowers for the wedding, etc. I, instead, enthusiastically attended showers, parties, and opportunities to meet my daughter’s future in-laws.

Obviously, there are many options available to the bride and groom in lieu of a big wedding. Elopement, destination weddings, and small family weddings can all provide the framework needed to start a life together. In my daughters’ case I would not have done anything differently. It was a beautiful wedding and we will have many wonderful memories to cherish in the future.

One final comment for future fathers of the bride. The wedding-planning process is one activity that most fathers can enjoy from the sidelines. Doing so will reduce the father’s level of stress and direct his energy toward productivity thereby giving him the opportunity to “SHELL OUT” when the time comes to do so.