Learn to look at life positively

A tendency in many individuals is to view many, if not most, of life’s events from a negative perspective.

Take a look at Jim. During his childhood and adolescence he had experienced a great deal of unhappiness. His parents were constantly having economic problems, his father was very harsh and critical of Jim, and his mother was sick much of the time.


Within the home, Jim’s father used two communication patterns with his son. When Jim did something correctly and performed according to his father’s rules, the reaction Jim received was neutral or nonreactive. It was as if “you do something right around here and nothing needs to be said about it.”

The other communication pattern was used when Jim did something incorrectly, or did not meet his father’s approval. Silence was broken and the reaction was that Jim was scolded, reprimanded or criticized.

Jim understood the scoldings for bad behavior, but the lack of positive reinforcement for good behavior made him wonder if it was worth the effort. He didn’t get positive strokes or self-esteem boosts from his mother because of her illnesses. He needed support and praise during his developmental stage, but he received only criticism or silence. He simply felt he wasn’t of much worth. He heard and learned only the negative.

Jim began to view the world as a place where everybody else got the cherries and he was left with the pits. His glass was always half empty, instead of half full. If the sky was blue, he was sure that a rainstorm was right around the corner.

When Jim married, his self-defeating attitudes persisted, creating a relationship between him and his wife which became very rocky and unfulfilling. He was negative about her housekeeping, the way she trained the children and the way she used her leisure time. She never lived up to his standards and he communicated this in a negative way. A smoldering resentment within her began to develop. Eventually, the relationship became so stormy she insisted on marriage counseling, hoping to avert a divorce.

Fortunately, Jim consented to counseling, and during one of the sessions with his counselor, his negative and pessimistic outlook on life began to surface. Among the many things the counselor pointed out was that Jim did not have to feel so negative, that he could have a great deal of control over his moods and his outlook on life. Jim had fallen into a lifelong pattern of negative thinking which had become a habit. He was unaware of how this pattern of thinking directed his behavior. The negative thought patterns had become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

One of the things the counselor asked Jim to do was to make a list of all the positive and successful experiences he was having. These positive experiences were, of course, unrecognized by Jim. By encouraging Jim to practice reviewing the positive aspects of his life, a change began to take place. While this was only a small part of the overall psychotherapeutic effort, and although it sounds very simple, the positive accent was very important and effective in changing the negative thinking patterns.

The Thanksgiving holiday is an excellent time to remind all of us to review the positive and successful experiences in our lives and to give thanks for these event and experiences. We often overlook the good and become overwhelmed by the not-so-good which inevitably occur in everyone’s life. While it is healthy to view life as a potential rose garden, it is also important to remember there are some thorns on the roses.

Such clichés as “Every cloud has a silver lining” or “Things have a way of working out for the best” may be very good phrases to incorporate into our vocabulary and good credos to live by. Happy, emotionally healthy and well-adjusted individuals who cope well with life’s uncertainties can usually “rattle off” the good things in their lives, and try to smile as they recognize their shortcomings. They tend to see their mistakes as opportunities for learning so that these mistakes are less likely to be repeated in the future.

Take the time, as Jim had to learn to do, to review the positive and the good. Perceiving life in this way may give you a good reason to be thankful and enjoy a happy Thanksgiving.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1984