Learning to Cope with Family Reunions

Summer is family reunion time. For many it will be a time of anticipation and happiness, for others it will be a time of frustration and discontent.

While some people feel guilty that their family has some faulty interpersonal relationships, they should realize that nearly all families have problems. It is how they react and cope with changes in the family group that makes the difference in successful and unsuccessful meetings. So before attending your next family reunion, consider these factors.

• Relationships are constantly changing, but some parents tend to continue to act like parents even though their children are approaching middle age.

• Some children assume they have the same childhood needs from their parents even though they are now holding management positions.

• Sibling rivalries surface during reunions. Unresolved feelings are intensified as one sibling has met unexpected success, another has suffered reversal.

• The relationship between your parents has changed. The empty next has created time for them to develop new interests, friends, and hobbies. They have learned to appreciate solitude.

• Some in-laws may not meet with your approval.

• Realize that most of these factors are tensions associated with new roles of maturity that have been developing separate from the initial family circle.

If you felt uncomfortable at the last family reunion, make a list of the behaviors that happened at that time.

• Ask yourself who and what annoyed you. Did your brother brag about his stock market successes? Did your niece receive honors beyond those of your children? If so, plan to meet the situation head on. Tell your brother that your recent investments satisfy your financial goals. Express your love and concern for your children and their accomplishments.

• Don’t hold old grudges. Forget about resentment that your sister practiced the piano while you cleaned the bathtubs. Get rid of shoulds. Forget that your father should be more affectionate.

Accept the fact that you can’t change anyone, but you can change the way you feel about past habits.

• Think ahead about the things you cherish about your family, such as values received, loving care and good times of the past.

• Plan ahead for nice things to say to each family member. You may wish to congratulate them on their new appearance or on some recent event.

• Recognize that enjoyment of family meetings comes from feeling good about yourself. Don’t waste time feeling sorry for yourself or expect sympathy if things have been bad.

• If you should feel uncomfortable, get away for a short time. If the conversation lags, make a friendly departure.

• Above all, attend the reunion with the attitude that it is going to be a time for new beginnings. You may certainly reminisce, but concentrate on today. Tomorrow may never exist, yesterday is an unchangeable memory.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright © 1992