Many of us set unrealistic personal goals

Those of us who have raised children know that you can often tell a lot about the values, beliefs, and assumptions that a child holds about himself by observing his behavior. For example, the 5 year old child brings home work from school or colors pictures at home and soon learns that “staying in the lines” can be judged as part of the criteria for the success of the work. A child who becomes too obsessed with always staying in the lines and who feels angry, frustrated, and upset with himself when he doesn’t, may need assistance. If not staying in the lines represents messiness, lack of ability or even failure to the child, a negative self perception may begin to develop. Helping the child understand that ALWAYS staying in the lines in EVERY situation may not be necessary or healthy.

As adults, we often judge ourselves by our ability to stay within the lines. If we occasionally overcook a meal, forget to pay a bill or have a fender bender in our automobile, do we go haywire or cut ourselves some slack and learn from the experience?

Effective parenting dictates that a parent help a child learn to achieve a level of performance consistent with his abilities, and at the same time, assist the child in keeping less than prefect performance in perspective.

As adults, the same principle follows. Seeking improvement in our lives, whether it involves tasks, relationships or self-actualization, necessitates modifying our performance based on the feedback we receive from the situation while keeping things in perspective.

Many of us set realistic goals for our children, but fail miserably when it comes to ourselves. We seek levels of performance, expect feedback or feelings of well-being from relationships that may not be consistent with the reality of the situation.

The next time you feel that you have failed, ask yourself if your expectations were realistic and healthy, or whether you are like the 5-year-old who feels overwhelmed with feelings of failure because the crayons strayed beyond the border.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2002