Realistic goals help perfectionists achieve happiness

• If I try hard enough, I should become proficient at anything I attempt.
• If I can’t do something well, than I would just as soon not do it.
• People generally think less of those who make mistakes.
• Average performance at a task produces unsatisfying feelings for me.
• I feel ashamed and angry if I display a weakness or look foolish at any time.

If you agree with these statements, you can put yourself in a perfectionist category and join the large segment of society which sees the world as either black or white. With no gray areas allowed in your life, you may have been told as a child, “If you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all.”

This attitude of “all or nothing at all” is the root cause of a lot of unhappiness in many individuals who set impossible goals and compulsively strain to reach these goals. Some of them even see 99 percent as a failure; overkill is frequent as they fear leaving any loose ends untied. They may have a deep fear of rejection and really want to be liked by everybody, intellectually realizing this impossibility yet emotionally refusing to accept it.

Perfectionists say “I should” as all desires are transformed into demands. “I would like” becomes “I must” or “I ought.”

Perfectionists are often procrastinators; they won’t finish a task if they can’t make it perfect. They tend to see their flaws more readily than their successes.

One psychologist, Dr. Albert Ellis, believes that people are born with a tendency toward faulty illogical thinking and that we are somehow “programmed” toward thinking in defeatist terms. Other mental health professionals believe that perfectionists have been reared by perfectionist parents, and that the basis for perfectionistic tendencies comes from insecurity and low self-esteem stemming from childhood.

But perfectionists can change their behavior. If you tend to be one you can….

• Stop listening to that inner voice that says, “You are not good enough.” Make a list at the end of each day of all the good thinks performed or completed that day.
• Begin to redefine success in terms of partial accomplishments. Be happy if you can run a few miles every day. How many 40 year old men can win the Boston Marathon?
• Minimize the “have to” statements and practice saying, “I want to” or “I don’t want to.”
• Make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of perfectionism.
• Quit painting yourself in a corner. The fear of doing something foolish limits opportunities to try new things, to be creative, to see the world from another point of view.
• Reprogram your thinking and focus on how many things actually fall into the category of “all or nothing at all.” Is it really possible to get a house perfectly clean without a speck of dust anywhere?
• Remember that being average at some things in life is simply part of being human. Accept your “averageness” in some areas as an accomplishment.
• Relax. Be more tolerant of others and their mistakes.
• Remember that average is a good goal for a healthy emotional experience.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1985