‘All-or-nothing’ outlook harmful

Do you find yourself thinking the following thoughts fairly frequently?

• If I try hard enough, I should become proficient at anything I attempt.
• If I can’t do something well, then I would just as soon not do it.
• People generally think less of those who make mistakes.
• Average performance at a task produces unsatisfying feelings.
• I feel ashamed and angry if I display any weakness or look foolish.

If you answered yes to these questions, you can put yourself in a perfectionist category and join the large segment of society that sees the world as either black or white. You may have been told as a child, “If you can’t do it right, don’t do it at all.”

This attitude of “all or nothing at all” is the root cause of a lot of unhappiness in many individuals who set impossible goals and compulsively strain to reach these goals. Some of them even see achieving 99 percent of a goal as a failure; overkill is frequent as they fear leaving any loose ends untied. They may have a deep fear of rejection and really want to be liked by everybody, intellectually realizing this impossibility yet emotionally refusing to accept it.

Perfectionists are often procrastinators; they won’t finish a task if they can’t make it perfect. They tend to see their flaws more readily than their successes.

One psychologist, Dr. Albert Ellis, believes that people are born with a tendency toward faulty illogical thinking and that we are somehow “programmed” to think in defeatist terms. Other mental health professionals believe that perfectionists have been reared by perfectionistic parents and that the basis for perfectionistic tendencies comes from insecurity and low self-esteem stemming from childhood.

But perfectionists can change their behavior. If you tend to be one, you can:

• Stop listening to that inner voice that says, “You are not good enough.” At the end of each day, make a list of all the good things performed or completed that day.

• Being to redefine success in terms of partial accomplishments. Be happy if you can run a few miles every day. How many 40-year-old men can win the Boston Marathon?

• Minimize the “have-to” statements and practice saying, “I want to” or “I don’t want to.”

• Make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of perfectionism.

• Quit painting yourself in a corner. The fear of doing something foolish limits opportunities to try new things, to be creative, to see the world from another viewpoint.

• Reprogram your thinking. Focus on how many things actually fall into the category of “all or nothing at all.” Is it really possible to get a house perfectly clean, without a speck of dust anywhere?

• Remember that being average at some things in life is simply part of being human. Accept your “averageness” in some areas as an accomplishment.

• Relax. Be more tolerant of others and their mistakes.

• Remember that average is a good goal for a healthy emotional experience.

Next week I will discuss the problems of perfectionism in children.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989