My Neighbor Is Nosey And Meddlesome

Dear Dr. LeCrone:

I find myself needing your assistance with a relationship issue that is causing me significant stress.

To be precise, one of my neighbors is forever poking her nose into my business. Her persistent effort to pry into my affairs leaves me wondering about her motives and what strategies could I employ to end her meddlesome behavior. Please give me counsel in your newspaper column.

-A reader in Vermont

Dear Reader:

I once wrote about dealing with difficult people, which I called “buttinskies.”
These are people who simply can’t stay out of other people’s business. They often start with a line, such as, “I know it is none of my business, but…” or, “Please, don’t think I am trying to be nosy when I ask you…”

Two interesting variations of these people are:

•Those who butt in because they are curious, nosy and feel entitled to the involvement they seek. They are often not even subtle in their approach and ask personal and inappropriate questions. They speak before they think and ask questions without thinking about the consequences of the answers they may receive.

If you confront them about their unwanted attention, you may find they are not easily offended and rarely get the message to back off. You can best deal with these people by either ignoring them or by answering them in a way that doesn’t invade your privacy. The latter seems to satisfy them because it still gives them a little information they so desperately crave.

•Those who view the world as broken and see themselves as fixers. Fixers over interpret problems in other people’s lives and have a strong need to help. They are high-feeling people rather than high-controlling, and they have trouble setting boundaries around their need to fix things.

Deal with the fixers by explaining to them that their intention is understood and appreciated, but it is not needed nor wanted at this time. They will usually back off and cease their behavior, but because they are high-feeling, they may be offended and display hurt feelings.

Buttinskies come in other sizes and shapes, but all need feedback that you do not need or want their concern or interest. Try tact and diplomacy first and if this fails, then you will need a more direct approach.

I would love to hear from other readers about their experience with buttinskies.