Qualified statements can be seeds of failure

Picture the following scenario. A kindergartner brings home a picture that he has colored at school and shows it to his father. The father looks at the picture and says “It’s nice, but next time if you can stay in the lines it will be even nicer.”

Several years later, after a race at school in which the child comes in second, his father states “You ran a good race, but second best isn’t good enough in this family.”

Finally, high school gradations rolls around and the young man is academically in the top 10% of his class. Shortly after commencement exercises end, the young man’s father states “I couldn’t have been prouder of you unless you were # 1 in your class.”

John Wellbut experienced a childhood and adolescence full of qualified statements about his father’s perception of his performance. As a consequence, John entered adulthood feeling that he was never quite good enough and that he always needed to be a little bit better in order to succeed.

His boss tells him that his report is well prepared, but John Wellbut thinks “Well but, I could made it better if I had worked a little longer on it.”

John’s wife tells him that he looks nice and he states “Well but, I would look better if I were taller.”

John’s children tell him he is a great soccer coach and he states “Well but, we didn’t win the championship game so I’m not that good a coach.”

The world is full of wellbuts, those who accept themselves conditionally based on their performance and accomplishments.

Wellbuts can improve their self concept if they learn to change illogical beliefs and assumptions about themselves. They need to begin seeing less than perfect performance not as failure but as an opportunity to learn. Sometimes we have to fail before we can succeed.

Wellbuts can change and the first step is to erase those qualifying statements and be decisive and positive when they receive feedback: “You look great today. Thank you I feel great.”

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2002