Shyness can be overcome with skills

If you are the extroverted type, outgoing, like to be in groups of people or like to be the life of the party, you probably find it difficult to believe that some people are so shy they have to force themselves to carry on small talk with someone they do not know extremely well, much less talk to new acquaintances at social gatherings.

Rather than wishing to be noticed, a shy person wishes to be unnoticed. Research indicates shyness, in some cases, may be inherited. Sometimes stemming from a feeling of inadequacy, sometimes resulting from an acquired defense developed to avoid social obligations, shy people have to develop strategies to overcome personality traits that may result in social isolation and loneliness.

If you are shy and wish to be more outgoing when you are in a business or social atmosphere, you may wish to consider these points:

• Although you don’t realize it, in any gathering where you might be present, other people who are there are often feeling inadequate themselves and wish to be friendly with you. You don’t have to feel inferior or superior. Tell yourself you are an interesting person, you have talents, interests and abilities to contribute and that you are willing to share with them.

• At the same time, make it a point to seek conversation from them by asking what they are interested in, where they live, go to school, work, etc. Be a good listener. Instead of thinking about yourself or berating yourself, concentrate on the other person. Absorb their conversation and show you are sincerely interested in what they are saying.

• Rehearse the event. If you are invited to a social event, visualize the time from beginning to end. The better you can fantasize and visualize the success of the event, the better it will be. See yourself as a good conversationalist, a person who joins in the activities and shows pleasure and enjoyment from the participation.

• Prepare for the event. Be an interesting person, read the newspaper and be well informed about current events. Listen to newscasts and read current books. Bone up on background information about study clubs, and you might join or become a volunteer at an agency you have researched. Don’t worry that you are going to sound like a brag about your accomplishments. You are going to appear as a person who is aware and is making a contribution to the community and society in which you live.

• Try to cultivate people with similar interests and similar abilities. By joining a group that shares your love for making crafts or painting, or joining a book study group that reads literature you like or participating in a sport you enjoy, you will find conversation flowing from these shared activities.

If being shy is depriving you of social contracts you desire, you can begin to overcome your feelings by taking a few steps at a time. Above all, be yourself, but be yourself in a situation where you can initiate conversation or respond to it without feeling uncomfortable. Moderate shyness is appealing. You don’t have to change your personality or become aggressive. You won’t lose your privacy. You will, by overcoming your fears of meeting and being in groups with people, enjoy your social status.

Copyright c 1990 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.