Talk to heirs about sentimental possessions

You may think your heirs are only interested in cash, property, and investments, but they are very apt to be a lot more sentimental, and feelings may run high about objects they associate with past events. If you have more than one heir, and you want to divide assets of your estate equally among your family members, you usually accomplish this with the help of your attorney when you make a will.

Many times appointed executors are at a loss about how to distribute unspecified items, such as household goods, furniture, china, a particular vase or painting, or even books and knick knacks.

Hard feelings can erupt when Johnny gets the silver platter that Mary wanted. She associated that platter with Thanksgiving family gatherings, the silver polishings before the meal, the cleanup afterward, and wanted to continue that tradition with her children. Sue wanted her grandmother's brooch and remembered touching it while she was being held on her grandmother's lap as a child. Sarah loved the crystal punch bowl that held the eggnog each year as relatives and friends gathered for an open house during the holiday season. Reminiscing about early morning trips with his father to the duck blinds, Tom claimed ownership of his father's hunting rifle.

Unfortunately, these items were not specified in the will and the heirs had to speak up and ask for their preferences. In many instances, it was not a pleasant experience. Sibling rivalries emerged, and hurt feelings surfaced as perceptions of favoritism were recounted. In could have been a time of family togetherness and appreciation for the legacy they were to share but instead resulted in unpleasant, often bitter exchanges.

Here are some ways families have provided for the distribution of objects of sentiment in a fair and equitable way:

• A special bequests list was compiled and distributed to all the heirs prior to death. All items of significance were listed and sent to each family member. If more than one person asked for the same item, they were notified and the matter was settled. The list was attached to the will and the items became a matter of record.

• Be prepared to talk about these possessions to your heirs. Don't assume that Johnny won't want the silver service because he already has one. Let him and his wife express their feelings. Don't assume that Mary will want the linens you have acquired from your parents or that she will want you wedding band. Sensitive issues can be discussed and solutions found when they are approached prior to their exchange. If household items are distributed or disposed of prior to death, as in the case of a parent selling the home and moving to an apartment or a nursing home, a list is a valuable matter of future record.

• One mother diagnosed with a terminal illness began a book of memories in which she wrote stories about possessions she loved, how she had inherited them, how she had used them, and what she hoped would be their future. She numbered many of the items to correlate with the listings in her book. Later her heirs said the book of memories was comforting and a source of knowledge about their past. In other families without a genealogy or sentimental accumulation of items, families were grateful with a recording of their parents' belongings and how they had personally added them to the family household.

• Distribution of possessions is a form of closure and is accomplished with a sense of loss as it represents a closed life chapter. It is difficult to equitably divide memories; they are more intense for some than others.