Valentines that keep romance alive

Dear fellows:

What are you going to give your sweetheart for Valentine’s Day?

Just to jog your memory, Valentine’s Day will be celebrated Tuesday, and traditionally is the time for sweethearts to profess their devotion. Before you decide to pick up any old card at the nearest store on your way home tomorrow, take the time to study what psychological research has proven are the best ways to keep romance alive.

One study of successful marriages shows that such couples rated their spouses as their best friends. In fact, friendship was more important than other variables such as physical attractiveness, common interests and sexual compatibility.

This becomes less of a surprise when we consider that friends usually talk and listen to each other on a regular basis. In looking at communication breakdowns in a less-than-satisfactory marriage, common complaints are that active listening is gone from the communication pattern. Friends are considerate and helpful. Friends have fun together. Friends share thoughts and experiences.

Suggested gift No. 1 for your valentine, then, is the gift of listening. “Active” listening can begin to show your spouse or sweetheart that you care. Make a date with your valentine; choose a quiet place. You may need to get a baby sitter so that you can have an evening or a weekend together. Listen and let your partner express her feelings. While you are listening, observe her tone of voice, her body language; take note of what is said and how it is said. Good friends listen and are supportive. Treat your valentine like your best friend.

The second suggested gift is that of uniqueness, seeking the unusual. Get out of the rut of doing the same old thing day in and day out. Look for different ways of showing you care. If you aren’t a demonstrative person, start by holding her hand and telling her you hope she has a happy day. Admire a new dress or offer to shop with her if that is not your former style. Surprise her and suggest an evening with her friends or a movie she wants to see. If she is a gardener, select a pot of herbs instead of a spring bouquet. Call her in the middle of the day just to say hello. Recall a favorite time and laugh together. Laughter is the best medicine for you and your valentine.

A friend I know presents his wife with peanut brittle, not because he can’t afford chocolates, but because he knows she prefers it. Another searches all year for the craziest cards he can find. In fact, they have a contest going to see who can outdo the other. Use your imagination; opportunities are unlimited for the unique gift that will put spice in your relationship.

The third gift is that of verbalization. Talk to your partner. You may show her in a million ways that she is your friend and your sweetheart, but you still need to tell her so in words. Tell her your plans for the future, your appreciation for her help; tell her about your hopes and dreams.

Most successful marriages contain LUV – these simple gifts of listening, providing something unique and verbalizing or sharing with your mate. Now you still can go out and buy a lacy, satiny card, send roses, take her out to dinner or send her that expensive box of candy. That shows you care right now, but the other gifts are the ones that will make your valentine last all year.

Oops, I’ve run out of space for a discussion of what kind of lasting gifts you gals can give to your fellows. Next week I’ll continue.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 1989