Adolescent years this too shall pass
This time they were forewarned. Their child was entering adolescence and familiar signs were appearing. They knew the storm was about to begin when long sighs and eyes rolling back in the head occurred simultaneously. During those turbulent years as their first and second child plunged into the up and down cycle they searched for the right answers. These next few years would again be challenging, but they were better prepared for the inevitable changes facing them and the emotional, cognitive, and social transformation that would occur in their child.
• They knew this adolescent might become nocturnal. If so, and if permitted, activity periods would peak about 11:00 P.M. and the child would be comatose until noon the next day.
• The adolescent might become embarrassed, even repugnant to the idea of being with a parent in a public place, especially when they encountered school friends and peers.
• They also remembered that speech patterns became more rapid and staccato, and a language almost foreign to the parents was exchanged and understood by all the other adolescents who frequented their home.
• Obsession with inanimate objects was very noticeable. These included telephones, hair brushes, and mirrors and reflected the narcissism and self-centeredness of adolescence.
• Neatness, civility, and even good table manners often went by wayside. Even a shift in interest from previously held family values seemed to be the "norm" as family structured activities were called boring.
• The former obedient, compliant, kind child displayed either no need or a very low need for parent approval, but exhibited a high need for peer approval.
• Mood swings, periods of hysteria, and seemingly unshakable pessimism and self-depreciation would frequently erupt during these adolescence years. The desire for solitude would occur and was somewhat understandable as the child was gradually breaking parental constraints and becoming more independent.
What approach should the parents take? Should they take firm control of the situation before things get out of hand and let the child know that none of the above changes would be tolerated? Or, perhaps, deciding that rather than battle the storm they should "let nature take its course, stay out of the way, and hope for the best?"
The answer, of course, is neither of the above. Adolescence can often be conceptualized as a stormy and challenging time in the human development lifecycle. Knowledge and experience in dealing with this period is helpful and as many parents know, a lot can be learned firsthand by going through this with other siblings. Parents, first and foremost, need to commit themselves to providing continual, unrelenting, and unconditional love to the adolescent. As frustrating and difficult as it might be at times, the absence of the essential ingredient of loving the child but not necessarily the behavior is absolutely necessary. Next, definite boundaries and limits need to be set and agreed upon. Areas of chief concern are those where the child's health and welfare are involved. The child must be given the unwavering message that drugs, including alcohol, premarital sexual involvement, absence of curfews, and involvement with high risk activities, such as gangs, will not be tolerated. Parents should exhibit more flexibility in areas such as dress code, eating habits, and involvement or lack thereof with other family members. There is some solace in the old adage, "this too, shall pass," knowing that the increased effort and strain during these years will pass from storm to calm and the years ahead will bring wonderful relationships with the adult child.
Copyright c 1997 Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D.
