Being Assertive Without Feeling Guilty- Part II

Last week I began a discussion of one of the cornerstones of good mental
health, the ability to be assertive. Assertive individuals are able to speak up for themselves without feeling guilty while their unassertive counterparts are plagued with feelings of self-directed anger, low self-esteem, and often, depression. Nonassertive individuals, often suffer from a “pressure cooker” syndrome in which they become very aggressive after their frustration and anger is pushed to the limit.

Those individuals who live their lives constantly trying to please others and make everyone else happy are often nonassertive in their communication patterns.

The following are statements that are appropriately assertive:

It is my right to be treated with consideration and respect.
It is my right to be able to say “no” without feeling guilty.
It is my right to make errors, but also to be responsible for these errors.
When I don’t know the answer to something, it is my right to state “I don’t know.”
It is my right to express my feelings, opinions, and beliefs, and be responsible for any consequences that follow.

Following are some suggestions for developing more assertive behavior:

Develop an awareness of your assertive, nonassertive or aggressive behaviors by keeping a journal or log of daily activities and situations that illustrate these types of behavior.
Pick situations that are easier to correct first. Returning merchandise and asking for a refund or exchange is generally less difficult and threatening then confronting a supervisor about problems in the workplace.
Rehearse assertive behavior in front of mirror or with a trusted friend or family member prior to the actual situation that requires assertion. This “dress rehearsal”, sometimes practiced several times, reduces anxiety and builds confidence.
When in doubt about the appropriateness of an assertive response or behavior, check with someone who exemplifies appropriately assertive behavior.
When saying no becomes necessary and appropriate, do so in a clear decisive manner.
Avoid statements or mannerisms that leave doubt as to the resoluteness of your decisions.
If challenging or criticizing another persons behavior becomes necessary, try to avoid statements that give the impression of a personal attack. Instead, focus on the objectionable behavior.

For those seeking additional information, an excellent resource is entitled Your Perfect Right by Robert E. Alberti and Michael L. Emmons.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2003