Being Assertive Without Feeling Guilty- Part I

Oh no, not again she thought. Her supervisor was walking toward her at five minutes until five, giving off the body language of tension and self-absorption. The clinched fists, tightened jaw, and furrowed brow signaled the “I won’t take no for an answer” request that was about to be given. As predicted, the supervisor spoke in a somewhat demanding voice and said “I have to have these reports ready by tomorrow so you will need to work late.” This same request to work late had come for a third day in a row.

Why couldn’t this single parent and mother of three children simply tell her supervisor that a scheduled carpool, preparation of dinner and family gathering later in the evening necessitated a departure from work at five o’clock, the end of the regular workday? Instead, the words seem to choke in the throat of this chronically passive, insecure, and often depressed individual. Instead of expressing her own needs and desires she would say nothing and accept the assignment, adding more self-directed anger to her already over flowing vessel of self-disdain.

Her nonassertiveness is typical of those individuals who have difficulty in being direct and straightforward in a healthy pattern of communication. These individuals often tend to be passive, indirect, and deliberately conceal their feelings and emotions. This nonassertive behavior is sometimes referred to as the “Charlie Brown Syndrome,” which often produces self-contempt and feelings of anger leading to depression. Frequently, nonassertive individuals finally become so frustrated and overwhelmed by their own inability to speak up for themselves without feeling guilty that they instead become aggressive, abrasive, abusive, and explosive. This “pressure cooker” type cycle can impair an individual’s abilities to establish and maintain healthy relationships in families, friendships, and careers.

Fortunately, assertive behavior is something that can be learned and maintained in individuals who recognize that they have a problem and desire to communicate in a healthier fashion. Changing from being unassertive or at the other extreme, being aggressive, takes education and practice.

Next week, I will discuss the characteristics of the assertive individual and how to achieve this behavior.

Harold H. LeCrone, Jr., Ph.D. Copyright 2003